Holli managed a couple of hours of sleep; it had been hard to quiet her mind enough. The guilt, the dread, the fury – it all gnawed at her. She'd thought waking up in a completely different world had been a kicker; turned out there were way worse things.
Some people had tried to speak with her, offer food and water. She'd had no appetite for either but forced down some water to please Cassandra. Varric had sat with her, told her the others knew of her mother but nothing else. She could share it or keep it to herself; they were leaving it up to her.
She didn't want anyone to know the explosion at the Conclave had been her fault or that it had blasted through worlds to her own. Maybe it was cowardly, but she wasn't sure she could face that blame. She didn't like being lauded as a hero or some kind of chosen one, but she figured it would be worse to be seen as the villain. The murderer of – had it been thousands if she factored in both the Conclave and London?
Some of the others had sat with her as well; some tried to talk, and some just sat with her in silence. No one expected her to talk back; they didn't expect anything of her, and she was grateful for it. She was struggling to even think of what to say.
Everyone was being nice, but what if they didn't mean it? What if those that knew hated her for what she did? Cole had kept watch over her while keeping his distance, like he expected her to go on a murderous rampage. Solas had gone straight to bed, completely avoiding her.
Maybe they were being nice just to keep the peace because they still needed her to close rifts. And painting her as the villain now would be counterproductive to the Inquisition's aims. They would look mighty stupid if they came out and admitted the girl they'd been lauding as a hero was actually the reason for all their troubles.
But the others didn't know. Only Solas, Cole, Hawke, Fenris, Varric, and Dorian knew. Stroud too, but he was most likely dead.
Then there was the death of her mother and her friends. Another bitter pill to swallow. The introduction of her father – a Thedosian native, an elf! And a man with no remorse at the idea of sacrificing so many lives as long as it meant his daughter lived. She understood fathers loved their daughters, but surely there had to be a line.
And as for her mother, had she gone quickly? Or if it were slow, had she at least been so drunk and high she had no idea what was happening? No fear and pain. She hoped so.
"Holli, it's time to go," she heard Cassandra call.
Holli quickly swiped at her eyes. She felt as if she had been doing a lot of crying lately. She was usually better at holding her shit together.
Hauling herself to her feet, she grabbed her pack and pulled it on. She had opted to forgo the horse. There had been a lot of injuries in the battle yesterday, and Holli had healed what she could until she was dizzy and exhausted, and Dorian forced her to stop and rest. There were other healers, other herbalists, who could deal with the rest. She had, of course, healed the worst cases first. But there were still injured who needed the horse more than her.
Holli lingered at the rear of the march, mired in her thoughts. It was the same stuff, just over and over. Regret, guilt, fear, anger, grief, all roiling in the pit of her stomach and making her feel sick. What if she had never gone into that bathroom? What if she had barricaded the door before the shooter could enter? What if she'd just never gone to school that day? She wanted to vomit, to claw at her skin and rip out her hair, and scream at the top of her lungs until they collapsed.
But she just walked. One foot in front of the other, biting the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood.
Someone fell into step beside her, and she looked up to see Sera. The elf's eyes were fixed ahead.
"Sorry about your mum, yeah?" She muttered.
Holli nodded.
"If you want to use my bow and shoot stuff, you can," she said, lifting her arms and resting her hands on the back of her head, looking up at the sky. "Sometimes you just need to... wreck stuff. But I guess you've got fire for that."
She did. She did have fire. She could walk into a forest and just burn it to the ground if she wanted. Probably not. Maybe if it was a small forest. But her desire to inflict damage was pretty much limited to herself.
Holli opened her mouth to say something – thank her for her condolences, maybe? Nothing came out.
She had only ever been to one funeral in her life. Her nans. They'd had the funeral; people had offered their condolences to the family, who'd thanked them for coming.
It had felt hollow then, and it felt hollow now. Not what Sera said, just the gratitude Holli was supposed to express.
"Are you sure it was even true?" Sera asked. "Fade shit doesn't seem all that reliable. Even Solas says it's all interpretation and perspective."
Holli wasn't sure what story they had spun to explain this; she should probably find out so she didn't fuck it up.
"Yeah, we're – we're pretty sure," she replied quietly.
Part of her wanted to hold out hope the man had been lying or wrong. But Cole seemed so certain he was telling the truth, and Solas had agreed Riluan's story was entirely likely. The only thing Solas couldn't be sure about was whether he'd been telling the truth about her mother. But then, Cole had been certain. And when it came to people, he was pretty bang on.
Sera looked around; there was no one behind them; they truly were at the back of the army.
"Come on," Sera said, pulling her off the path and into the trees. The forest – if she wanted to get loose with the word – was quite sparse, so they could still see the army or at least the dust they were kicking up in their wake.
Sera led her to a bit of a clearing. There wasn't much to it – the trees around them, some rocks and boulders, and a few bushes.
"Here", Sera said, gesturing to the clearing. "Have at it."
Holli's brow furrowed questioningly.
"Set the trees on fire, blow those rocks to bits, shock the bushes with lightning."
Holli stared out across the clearing, her hands never leaving the straps of her backpack.
"Sera—" She started. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I just – I don't want to. Besides, if I set the trees on fire, I risk starting a huge problem."
"One of the other mages could probably fix it," Sera shrugged.
"I don't really want to cause any anymore problems," Holli told her. She'd caused enough.
Sera just rolled her eyes. "So what if you got kidnapped by Wardens? It wasn't your fault. Everyone's got to piss."
Christ, did everyone know that story? But no, the kidnapping wasn't at the forefront of her mind. If she could feel worse, she would at that reminder.
"Maybe another time," Holli said.
Right now, she just felt tired, like all the energy had been sapped from her, and all she wanted to do was curl in a ball and scream and cry. But she sure as shit wasn't going to lose it with an army for an audience. She had enough presence of mind for that.
Sera took her bow in her hands, firing off an arrow into a tree. The thunk it made when it hit had Holli flinching. She didn't even know why. Her nerves and her senses just felt... raw.
"Sure you don't want to smash some rocks at least?"
Holli shook her head.
"Do you want to – want to talk about your mum?" Sera asked awkwardly, picking at something underneath her fingernails.
"Did you want to talk about yours after she died?" Holli asked flatly.
Sera had lost two mothers; though she couldn't remember her biological mother, she could remember her foster mother. And she had lost her foster mother when she was so young too.
"No, I wanted to wreck stuff, but you don't want to do that, so..."
Holli sighed, bending down to pick up a rock. She hurled it with all her might at the boulder in the middle of the clearing. She looked to Sera as if to ask, 'Satisfied?'
"It really only works if you get into it and release some of that pent-up grief," Sera pointed out.
"I don't think pointless destruction is my outlet," Holli told her.
"It's not pointless; it's to help you get it out."
Besides, her mother's death wasn't the only thing weighing on her and the guilt that came with not being there for her when she needed it. She also had the guilt of those people her father had sacrificed just to save her. It had been his decision, so why did she feel so awful about it? The only thing she wanted to destroy was him; she wanted to claw his fucking eyes out, reduce him to a cowering puddle on the floor and then keep kicking him. Chucking rocks at rocks, or killing a bunch of helpless animals in a forest fire, wasn't going to make her feel better.
"What are you two doing?" They looked behind them to see Bull standing there, watching them curiously.
"Nothing," Sera replied, her tone suggesting he mind his own business.
"We were just about to head back," Holli told him.
"Better hurry it up; your disappearance has been noticed," he said, ushering the girls back to the march.
Holli picked up her pace, hoping whoever noticed hadn't stopped the whole procession and set everyone to looking for her. Right now she just wanted to be invisible.
"There you are," Cassandra said from high up on her mount.
"Did you need something?" Holli asked.
"Don't wander off; there is still danger about."
Holli nodded.
"She wasn't alone," Bull assured, Sera falling back into step beside Holli.
"Well, thank the Maker for that," Cassandra drawled sarcastically, a bit of a condescending look thrown Sera's way.
"Oh, piss off," Sera rolled her eyes.
"Stay out of trouble, you two," Bull told them, heading further up to join his Chargers.
"Just for that, we should get in trouble," Sera muttered.
"Holli doesn't want to," Cole said, appearing beside them.
Fuck, how long had he been there all invisible? Sera glared at him for suddenly appearing like that.
"You don't know what she wants," Sera retorted.
"No. I just know she doesn't want that," Cole replied.
"I can speak for myself," Holli sighed. "But he's right. I don't want to get into trouble, Sera. I just want to get back to Skyhold."
"You hate the cold."
"My room is warm."
She just wanted the warmth, safety, and privacy of her own room.
"Yeah, all right," Sera said.
She would drop it for now. Holli needed more time before she'd even be able to figure out what might help.
-
Camping with the army was a vastly different experience than with the few people she usually travelled with. She hated the feeling of being watched, like all eyes were on her, picking apart her every move. It could have just been her paranoia; she'd felt like this before in her own world. She remembered vividly standing on the street while the paramedics rolled her mother into their ambulance. There had been plenty of neighbours and people just heading down the street on their way to somewhere who had stopped to watch the commotion. She hated it then, and she hated it now.
Holli made her way away from the campfire; she was just going to go to her tent. She and Cassandra were still sharing one. She bumped into Cullen as she'd been weaving through the tents.
"Oh, Holli," he said softly, his expression sympathetic as he laid a hand on her shoulder. "My condolences. If there's anything you need..."
Holli nodded, staring down at the ground. "Thanks," she replied. It still felt hollow.
She brushed past him and continued on her way, finding the tent she shared with Cassandra. It was easy to find; the tent had a dark red stain on it from their trip back from Val Royeaux all those months ago. Sera had set a prank for Cassandra involving some kind of berry juice and a slingshot. Holli thought Cassandra was going to kill the elf right then and there. She was surprisingly restrained that day.
Holli slipped into her tent, sitting on the bedroll. Her pack was already there, and she pulled out her torch and one of her books, hoping to slip into the pages and disappear for a while. She found it difficult to focus, her mind still whirling around her mother's death, her guilt at not being there for her, and all the other deaths caused because of her. She couldn't get rid of the image Riluan had shown her of her mum on the floor like that. It wasn't something Holli hadn't seen before, with the exception being the woman was dead.
If Holli had been there, she could have found her sooner, given her the Narcan Holli kept under her bed, and called an ambulance. She had used the money from her part-time job to buy a kit for this specific purpose.
When Holli realised she had read the same page like ten times and still hadn't absorbed a word on it, she slammed it shut and just crawled into her bedroll to try and sleep. Trying to sleep just brought the same problem as trying to read. Her mind couldn't focus, just obsessing about it, picking apart the image of her mother sitting there. Or the explosion her friends and other students and teachers had been caught in, on top of being shot at. All the families that had been shattered that day.
And then the crying started. She tried to keep it quiet, pulling up the blanket of her bedroll tighter around her to muffle it. She didn't want anyone outside to hear her.
When she heard the tent flap open and Cassandra enter to bed down for the night, Holli bit her lip in an effort to stop. She heard the ruffling of Cassandra getting ready for bed before she lay down. Holli hoped she would fall asleep fast because the tears weren't stopping. She tried to sniffle quietly and barely moved when she wiped her eyes.
"You can cry as loudly and as much as you need, Holli," she heard Cassandra's voice. "I'll not mind, and there is no shame in it."
Holli didn't say anything.
"When I was younger," Cassandra began. "I had an older brother. His name was Anthony. Growing up, he was my favourite person. There was no one I loved more. He was a dragon hunter; he was making quite the name for himself."
Holli rolled over, looking at the other woman. In the dim light from the fires outside, she could see Cassandra was staring straight up at the roof of their tent, her eyes distant.
"When I was twelve, a group of bloodmages cut off his head in front of me because he refused to help them."
Holy fuck, that was horrible.
"I was inconsolable for days," she said. "Then I was just angry. An all-consuming rage. I wanted vengeance; I wanted justice. Really, I just wanted my brother back. Whatever you feel in the coming days and weeks... months even. You don't have to go through it alone."
Holli lay in silence for a while.
"I'm sorry about your brother," she uttered quietly.
"And I'm sorry about your mother."