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In the small grove, the scene resembled a chaotic dance of demons.
Four shadow clones hung from the trees, each holding a Rasengan that alternated glowing with infused magical energy. To prevent being blinded by the flashing lights, the clones had cloth wrapped around their eyes.
As the only villager who had ever been to a nightclub, Naruto considered the current lighting effects barely passable. Of course, this wasn't the same kind of nightclub that Jiraiya frequented—it was more like a rave. Naruto had been dragged along once before, but he couldn't stand the crowds and left soon after arriving.
Under the flickering lights, Naruto's main body was clad in loose shorts, dragging iron weights as he ran through the humid summer night. Despite the ice blocks nearby, sweat still poured down his face.
One shadow clone used the Rasengan to strip pine cones—a task inspired by an item in a video game. Previously, extracting pine nuts had been too tedious, but with the Rasengan, it became quick work. Nearby, another clone worked on drilling a well in the middle of the fishpond pit using the Rasengan.
Today, however, two additional figures graced the scene—two exceptionally beautiful women.
These were none other than the most stunning beauties in all of Konoha. Though opinions on beauty rankings often varied, no one disputed her claim to the top spot. Her tragic past only added to her mystique. Orphaned at a young age, she endured countless hardships alone in the village, bearing insults and accusations of being a seductress simply because of her striking appearance. Yet, despite her delicate nature, she never fought back or retorted, silently enduring everything life threw at her. Her name? Uzumaki Naruko.
One Naruko stood dressed casually in loungewear, wearing an apron while roasting pine nuts over a pan. Naruto didn't know exactly how to roast them—he vaguely recalled something about soaking them first—but he figured trial and error would suffice. If the method failed, he could always try replicating street vendors' candied chestnut technique. These pine nuts were intended for Hinata; they were good for the eyes, though admittedly quite oily.
The second Naruko wore an oversized white men's dress shirt that reached her thighs, seated before a wooden piano model practicing melodies.
Initially, when the first shadow clone transformed into Naruko, Naruto immediately dispelled it. But then the next clone did the same—and so did the third. It seemed determined: either let the original do the task himself, or allow him to transform into Naruko.
When Jiraiya arrived at the grove, this surreal spectacle greeted him. In his hand, he clutched a letter from the Third Hokage. The message contained just one sentence: *Did you say something inappropriate to Naruto again?*
At first, Jiraiya didn't understand what the Third meant. But now, staring at the bizarre scene unfolding before him, fragments of memory surfaced. He remembered describing Kabukichō—the red-light district—to Naruto. Men sweating profusely amidst flashing lights, scantily clad women showcasing their talents….
"This is your interpretation of Kabukichō?" Jiraiya muttered under his breath. "Didn't you say you understood what I explained?"
"Uzumaki Naruto!" Jiraiya barked.
"Pervy Sage, welcome back!" Naruto untied the ropes binding the weights to his body and approached cheerfully.
"What in the world are you doing here… oh!! Oh!! Perfect score!!" Jiraiya exclaimed upon spotting the two Narukos. His eyes nearly bulged out of his head.
Thoughts of the Third's reprimand vanished instantly. After all, accepting blame came naturally to him by now.
"Ladies," Jiraiya began suavely, "would you mind if…"
*Poof.*
One of the Naruko clones whipped out a kunai and slashed its own throat, dispersing in a puff of smoke. Before vanishing, it enacted a dramatic display of loyalty and virtue.
"Eh... eh..." Jiraiya froze mid-gesture, utterly humiliated. In all his years chasing women, not once had anyone—or anything—reacted to his advances by committing suicide. Even though these were mere shadow clones, the blow to his ego was monumental.
"Naruto, what exactly are you doing?" Jiraiya finally managed after recovering slightly.
"Practicing, just like you told me."
"Like I told you???"
Naruto pointed to the clone extracting pine nuts with the Rasengan: "Rotation."
Then to the one digging the well: "Power."
Finally, to those serving as makeshift strobe lights in the trees: "Maintenance."
Jiraiya felt something was off but couldn't pinpoint it. Strangely enough, Naruto's explanations matched his earlier words almost perfectly. And hadn't Naruto claimed to understand everything?
Rubbing his temples, Jiraiya sighed deeply. This kid really gave him headaches. When he'd talked about life being short, Naruto said he understood—and proceeded to play music atop the Hokage Monument. Similarly, discussions about Kabukichō and lessons on mastering the Rasengan ended up manifesting in ways Jiraiya never anticipated.
"Naruto, what's the name of that jutsu?" Jiraiya asked, changing the subject. He decided right then never to explain profound truths or teach advanced techniques to Naruto again. Who knew what kind of chaos might ensue next time?
"Sexy Technique." Internally, Naruto added, *Shadow Clone Rebellion Edition.*
"Not bad. A creative name. Practice it often, alright?"
Naruto, of course, knew exactly what the old pervert was thinking.
_Fine, I'll agree for now. But later, I'll summon a few philosophical giants to scare you senseless._
"Got it..."
Without warning, Jiraiya kicked Naruto flying, then vanished with a Body Flicker Technique. "You don't understand anything, you brat!"
After dusting himself off, Naruto watched Jiraiya disappear into the distance. Pulling out pen and paper, he scribbled:
*July* th, Year 60 of Konoha - Today, Pervy Sage kicked me out of nowhere. It hurt so much my chest feels bruised. I'll remember this debt.
—Uzumaki Naruto
*Old man, you can run now, but I doubt even blood-red chili peppers will save you after you die.*
Time flew by as Naruto continued reveling in his antics. Before long, the evening before the Chunin Exam finals arrived.
The Third Hokage popped the last two painkillers into his mouth and tossed the empty bottle into the trash.
"Dog Three, go buy me some more painkillers."
Behind the mask, Dog Three's face lit up with excitement. Patting Dog Zero on the shoulder, he declared, "Brother, I'm getting hitched tonight!"
Dog One had taken leave to get married, Dog Two to formalize an engagement, and Dog Three had fought tooth and nail against competitors to secure this position. Just when hope seemed lost, fate offered him a chance to end his bachelorhood by running errands for the Hokage. By now, everyone in the ANBU squad knew buying painkillers guaranteed success in romance—one purchase, one surefire result.
Holding the list of candidates and intelligence reports, the Third felt two pills wouldn't be nearly enough.
On the roster were details of each finalist's training regimen over the past month—including Naruto's. Comparing Naruto's activities to everyone else's only deepened the Third's headache.
Sasuke trained with Kakashi, honing his Lightning Release techniques. Meanwhile, Naruto dug wells.
Neji focused on intense physical conditioning. Meanwhile, Naruto excavated fishponds.
Kiba pushed his limits running through forests. Meanwhile, Naruto built gazebos for his ponds.
Ino studied medical ninjutsu late at night. Meanwhile, Naruto received snacks from Hinata.
Even Shikamaru, laziest ninja in the village, visited the hospital to learn about antidotes. Meanwhile, Naruto played the piano atop the Hokage Monument.
"Dog Zero, who compiled this list? Why is the last line smudged?"
"I did," Dog Zero replied respectfully.
"And whose handwriting is this?"
"..."
Naruto was mid-training when a kunai embedded itself in a nearby tree, carrying a note. Unfolding it, he read:
Rest early tonight. Tomorrow's exam starts at 8 AM. Don't forget. Signed, A Frog.
Pocketing the note, Naruto took a bath and returned home, where another note lay on the table.
See you tomorrow at 8 AM at the arena. Signed, Kakashi.
After putting away the note, Naruto prepared to sleep. Suddenly, movement stirred within his mental space.
"Big Fox, you're awake!" Naruto exclaimed joyfully. It had been a full month since he'd last heard from Kurama, and he missed their interactions dearly.
"Hmm."
Naruto formed a Rasengan. "Big Fox, wanna hit the club?"
"???"