While we walked, I stared intently at Lusia's back so I wouldn't lose sight of her. She was much taller than me and definitely knew more about going out, so it made sense that she was the one leading.
The day had been quite interesting. At first, I tried on a lot of clothes. According to Lusia, cute clothes suited me, but masculine clothing looked even better on me, so I ended up buying a suit similar to my father's. Honestly, I had always been curious about how his clothes felt, but since he's considerably bigger than me, I could never wear his without them hanging off me.
After that, I remember getting separated from Lusia. I don't usually separate from the people I go out with. If someone asks me to do something, the logical thing is to do it. If she wanted us to go out together, the logical thing was not to get separated. And yet, I walked away. At the time, I thought she'd say something like, "Wow, I didn't know you had genuine interests" or something similar. Thinking back, I'm not sure why I assumed that so quickly. Maybe it's just the image I have of her. She said it from the beginning—she wants to have a good time with me, to find something I enjoy. I haven't known her for more than a week, but I know she wouldn't be upset by what I did.
"Aisha, where are we going?"
"Uh... We were looking for somewhere to eat, right?"
"Correct."
Our next goal was to find a place to eat. If I told her to choose, she'd just insist more that I choose instead, so I had no choice but to think about it a bit. I could've picked a random spot, but I preferred to try guessing what Lusia might like.
"Hmm..."
"Got any ideas?"
"Yeah, I'd say..."
If I asked her directly what she wanted, she wouldn't tell me, so all I could do was recall the times we've eaten together. School lunches are preset, so it was tricky to get info from those, but I had a couple of ideas.
I've seen her push aside carrots and asparagus, so I needed to avoid places with those. On the other hand, she's a bit quicker with burgers and chicken, so she must have a particular taste for meat. With that said, two options remained.
"(Burgers or chicken... If we compare meat volume, chicken wins, but if we remove the bone, then the portion size would...)"
"Aisha? You there?"
"...."
"If you don't answer, I'll start playing with your hair."
"....Burgers."
"You like them?"
"They have more food."
"Sure about that?"
"Kind of…"
After my answer, Lusia walked to one of the fast food places and got in line. To avoid boredom, we looked at the screen displaying the menu. Since it was a looping video, we waited for it to restart to discuss what to order.
"What kind of burger?"
"Any is fine..."
"Then I'll order one with extra tomatoes."
"...Please, barbecue one..."
"Good girl."
"What are you getting?"
"I think the same one, so we can get one of the discounts."
"Makes sense."
When it was our turn, Lusia handled the order, adding fries and drinks to what we had discussed. After ordering, we looked for seats and luckily found one near where we'd placed the order.
"..."
"Are you sure you don't want to open the nail polish?"
"I can wait…"
"I don't get what you see in the smell. I've painted my nails lots of times and never thought it smelled particularly good."
"Hmm…"
Wanting to check if Lusia was right, I leaned forward, nearly resting on the table, and got close to her.
"W-Whoa!"
"I want to smell your hands…"
"...Why does that sound so weird?"
"Just let me see."
"You could've just asked me to bring them closer. I don't even have polish on right now."
"I see…"
A bit disappointed, I returned to my seat while Lusia looked at me oddly.
"Do you always behave strangely with your interests?"
"I don't know, it's rare for something to catch my attention so much…"
"And it's a smell... Haven't you ever gone through something like that before?"
"I usually ignore my surroundings and just focus on not losing the person I'm with. That way I avoid being a bother."
"You're worse than an introvert…"
"I'm sorry."
"And on top of that, you apologize? Don't you have a reason for acting like this?"
"I just know I'm like this. Does someone need a reason to be who they are?"
"Not really. It's just... you're strangely kind, if I had to put it somehow."
"That's good, right?"
"It is, but with you it gets to worrying levels, like you're only thinking about not bothering others."
"I hadn't realized…"
"You're SO oblivious in the worst moments."
"..."
"Not gonna say anything?"
"You'd get annoyed if I tried to apologize…"
"...You're a lost cause..."
Truthfully, I never considered myself kind. Avoiding being a burden just felt normal, especially since I can't get emotionally involved with anyone. Could it be that she's just saying that out of politeness? I wouldn't be surprised.
"Aisha, our order's ready."
"Are you going?"
"Yeah, enjoy your nail polish."
When Lusia got up, I picked up a small bottle of pink nail polish and stared at it. "How would it look on me?" was a question that popped into my mind. We had already agreed that bright colors didn't suit me, so I couldn't imagine wearing it. Maybe Lusia would wear it… No, she'd probably say something like, "I bought them for you." She's really thoughtful…
"What does she see in me?"
I'm fully aware of what I'm like. I'm not pleasant, I waste space, I'm just a spectator others have to put up with. So why? Even my past friends weren't this considerate.
"You're kind of boring."
"You can stop now, it's not funny."
"Sorry, I don't enjoy being around you."
"I'm hanging out with other friends today. Let's not meet up."
If it hasn't even been a week, why does this feel so different from the rest? Am I just bored and fooling myself into thinking it's something else? I know that when the month ends, she'll probably leave me, but my doubts weren't going to let me be for much longer.
"Aisha, here's the food."
"...Oh, thanks."
As soon as Lusia sat down and started eating, I looked her up and down. I wanted to find something, anything that told me she was just spending time with me out of obligation. She seemed satisfied with her food, her body language was calm, and her eyes were focused on the burger she was biting into. I would've kept watching her if I hadn't suddenly felt something put into my mouth.
"Guh!"
"Eat your burger. It's supposed to be for both of us."
"Geh, that was kind of aggressive…"
"When you get lost in thought, there's no way to snap you out of it."
"Sorry."
"What were you thinking about?"
"Well…"
At that moment, I knew I had a chance to clear my doubts. If I asked her directly why she was with me, she'd probably say, "Because I like you." But I could try to get a negative reaction out of her, that might give me an answer.
"You see…"
"Yes?"
"...Didn't you order too many fries?"
"It wasn't much to upsize them. I upsized yours too."
Right then I realized something: I have no idea how to be mean to someone. Am I supposed to say something hurtful? What do people usually say in a mean tone?
"You have... really big hands."
"You mean from when I've held yours while we walk? Compared to yours, yeah."
"True… You also have really long eyelashes…"
"Thanks."
I didn't know what I was doing. People usually say someone has a big body part to insult them, but none of it was getting a negative reaction from her. Could it be the opposite with her?
"Your ears…"
"Hmm?"
"They're small…"
"Can you even see them through my hair?"
"...No."
I had no way to explain how confused I was. I couldn't think of anything else negative to say, but I figured I should at least draw a conclusion, even a vague one.
"Your arms… are long."
"But you've never seen them."
"Can I see them?"
"No, never."
"What kind of answer is that?"
"Ah... My arms get cold easily."
I doubted that was true. Lusia's hands were warm (compared to mine), so there had to be another reason.
"Is it because of an injury you got as a child?"
"No… Not as a child…"
"I've gotten hurt too, there's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Where?"
"I have a scar on my shoulder. Got it when a swing hit me at fourteen…"
"Now I want to hear that story."
Without realizing it, the conversation shifted and we ended up talking about how I was hit by a kid on a swing while waiting for my dad at a public bathroom, and how I landed hard on my shoulder and had to go to the hospital. Lusia's expression was like that of a curious puppy, so she must've been interested.
"In the end, it wasn't that serious, but it did leave a mark."
"Does it hurt?"
"Only did at first."
"I see. Is the scar big?"
"Not really, I'd say about the size of my lips."
Time flew by so quickly that before I knew it, we had finished our food, leaving only the drinks, which we could sip while walking. Knowing this, Lusia stood up satisfied, and I followed her without having resolved any of my doubts.
"..."
"Where are we going now?"
"You're asking me?"
"I've chosen twice now. If you could pick your meal, you can pick where we go."
"I don't see the connection…"
I thought about insisting that Lusia choose again, but this was actually a good opportunity to get some answers.
"There's a place I'd like to visit."
"Really?"
"Yes, I saw it while we were walking."
"I'm following you."
Now with Lusia behind me, I walked toward the escalators until we were back on the second floor. It didn't take long to find what I was looking for, and it seemed to pique Lusia's curiosity.
"A vinyl store?"
"My dad has a record player. I thought he might want one."
"I didn't know this store was here."
A vinyl store was the perfect place. After all, the chances of Lusia owning a record player were slim, and since it's such a rare way of listening to music, there were very few customers, resulting in a big but nearly empty store. We quickly finished our drinks before going in.
"I'll check the classical music section."
"Okay, I'll look around."
I immediately went to the classical section and started looking through the records one by one. Since leaving without anything would be suspicious, I looked for something my dad might like. Thanks to the music he played during cleaning days, I had a pretty good idea.
"Here it is, ride of the Valkyries."
My dad was a huge fan of this kind of music. He even once admitted that if I had been born a boy, he might've named me Mozart or something like that.
"I don't think he needs more than one…"
After picking out the record, I went to the cashier. Based on past experiences, one of two things had probably happened:
1: Lusia got bored and left, and would later call to apologize.
2: Lusia was by the entrance, bored, and when I spoke to her, she'd be annoyed I took her somewhere so boring.
"I'll have to call Dad and tell him I'll be home soon…"
I took out my phone, ready to dial, but when I looked toward the counter, I saw how wrong my assumptions had been.
"Woah, is it really that easy to use?"
"Yes, despite being expensive, they're actually quite simple. In fact, the anime this song comes from teaches you how to make one."
"That's awesome!"
Lusia was next to the clerk, listening to a clearly Japanese song on what seemed to be his personal record player. She looked very interested, no, the word would be fascinated. Though I didn't know what to think anymore, I walked over anyway.
"I got what I came for."
"That's great. I was just asking some questions about record players."
"I didn't know you were actually interested."
"My aunt has a gramophone, I wanted to see if they were similar."
"I think that's something you could deduce with basic logic…"
Since Lusia seemed to be enjoying herself, I just stood behind her. When I finished paying, we'd probably leave, so I didn't rush.
"Is the song good?"
"Sure, I really like the instruments and the singer."
"They're pretty good…"
"Yeah, and I love how it sounds on vinyl. Actually, I like how everything sounds on vinyl."
"Is that what makes someone like a song?"
"Well, partly."
"Hmm?"
"The musical part is important, of course, but there are external factors too."
"Like what?"
"For example, the memories you associate with the song."
"Memories...?"
"It's something my aunt explained. We can appreciate anything if we associate it with something we already care about. Being with your partner, relating to a character you care about, if those memories stir emotion, then anything from that time can bring back part of that moment, whether it's a keychain, a meal, or a song."
The clerk nodded like he was saying, I agree. As for me, I just felt confused. What makes a memory dear? Is it something you can forget? Is it something hard to feel? Even though I had so many questions, I only said one out loud.
"Can that also happen with painful memories?"
"...Unfortunately, yes. Even when we know it's unrelated, we can't help but feel that some things are tied to pain."
"Does it feel bad?"
"Too much. It feels like everything you loved starts to hurt you. You wish that thing would disappear, thinking that way the pain will too. You could almost call it a wound—and unfortunately, it's not one you can bandage."
"...Is it hard to get to that feeling?"
"No idea. We rarely have full control over our emotions. But if it's something you ever feel, I promise it'll become a happy memory!"
Lusia put her hand on my shoulder as she said that, wearing a huge smile full of confidence and kindness. Seeing her filled me with a feeling I didn't understand, but I didn't dislike it either.
"Well! I think we should pay and head out. This time, I'll choose where we go next."
"That's fine."
And so our outing continued. I stopped trying to confirm my ideas. I just let things happen the way they were meant to. But I did think about something.
I don't understand Lusia. I don't know what made her be so kind to me. I don't know how she can put up with me. I don't know why she chose to be my friend.
I don't understand her—but if things keep being like today, I don't think I need to