Fingers twitch. Sweat under the collar. Hands clench—no, they shake now.
The air is fine, it's fine, so why does his chest feel like it's folding inward?
Think. Just think.
Don't let it—don't let it mean what it means.
It doesn't mean anything.
She's safe. She's fine. I'm fine.
No. No. She's learning. That's normal. I was helping. I didn't—
I'm f—
My mouth inhales. As if I hadn't been doing that for the past minute or so.
But I couldn't draw in enough air. Felt shallow. Doesn't even feel like I'm intaking oxygen anymore.
As if I'm stealing it.
Heavy blinks. Blink away the discomfort. It doesn't exist, it's all in my head. Has to be.
I found a tree, somewhere near a building. I don't track how many Oni eyes are watching me.
Next thing I knew, I was sitting against the tree. On the ground. Did I fall? How did I fall?
My hands are cold, face is hot. My body doesn't even feel like it belongs to me anymore.
My head snaps to the right, rigid, robotic. As if my neck is rusty. I could've sword I heard ranchmaster.
No.
"I'm fine." I think I say.
Fine.
It's—
I'm fine.
My fingers press together despite the cold, despite the sweat as well.
I just need to—I just—no. No. That's not—
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Rei can't see this.
My hand claws at my hoodie, my eyes scan for nothing. My legs won't move, deadlocked. I'm sitting in the shade of the tree.
I can feel my heart beating within my chest. With each drum it feels like an accusation. With each drum I can't help but feel useless.
With each drum I can't help but feel like I failed Rei—
No. NO.
I haven't.
I need to breathe. Breathe. Breathe easily.
My hand still trembles. No. No. Breathe.
I try to focus on something. Anything. I can barely hear. Footsteps, laughter, chatter, wind chimes. It all sounds the same, merging into one entire thing.
There's one thing I can hear. My own heartbeat pumping in my ears. Focus on it, and breathe. Don't forget to breathe.
I try. The heartbeat fades.
Even that's leaving me now.
I budge my legs, no go. No move. Looks like I'll be here for another couple of minutes. Good. Take a break.
This is no different than before. This isn't my first rodeo. Only difference is that I'm not holding an epee to comfort me.
That was my life, man. And now I'm here.
What a bitch.
I look towards the Oni, and my vision is sharpening gradually. Even they move on. Probably unbothered. A ranchmaster sitting by a tree is the least of their worries.
And another Ranchmaster running around pretending to be one should be their next.
But as I watch, not every moment from them spells regret. Most aren't necessarily…oppressed, or look like it. Some may hide it under masks, but it still feels like a community.
Despite all of them exiling one of their own.
So…
So.
What the hell do I do now?
Sit here and rot? Die under a tree like a coward with a nice coat?
I exhale. Doesn't help. Never does.
Is this the moment I give up? Why now? Am I really just now realizing how fucked I am?
Is it time to walk away?
I failed Jex. Nearly became the next Flugel. I failed Rei…and now she's becoming me.
Is it too late to stop this? Too late to turn it all around?
I think I shake my head. Or maybe I don't. I don't know.
No.
No.
Giving up means giving up hope.
And hope is all I've been lying with.
But maybe it's not a lie this time. Maybe I can change things.
This isn't delusion. This isn't coping.
I have the power. I just need to trust her.
It's not as bad as I think it is.
It can't be.
Breathe, Lucien.
You wouldn't have made it this far without her.
There's still time. Time to change.
If I can change, then she can too.
If she's trying to become me—
Then she'll know. She'll know that change exists.
That it's real.
It's simple. I'll treat her like someone I love. Like I haven't been pretending to do that this whole time.
I'll do it right this time.
Even if it's the last time I get to.
I closed my eyes, and let everyone pass me. I can't move still. I do want to, but unfortunately, my body and I aren't on the same page.
I don't hear anything. My ears ring. Continue to ring. It sounds quiet. Too quiet. But weirdly enough, I'm accepting it. Void. No sound.
I don't think. For once, my mind is clear. I don't overthink. I don't do anything.
And suddenly…I felt nothing.
I couldn't cry.