> "Congratulations! You're still alive. For now."
System Version: CubeOS v2061.666b (Definitely Stable™)
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🪪 BASIC INFO
Name: Everett "Why Me?" Miracle
Age: 18 (Biologically) / Temporally Confused
Species: [ERROR: Cannot Classify]
Title(s):
Certified Timebreaker™
Guildmaster of Team Probably Doomed
Egg-born Cosmic Mistake
"That Guy with the Eyes"
Gloria's Emergency Meatshield
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🔍 STATS
Strength: Better than a depressed mystic squirrel (B+)
Agility: Can dodge emotional conversations (B)
Vitality: Surprisingly hard to kill (A)
Mystery Control: Pretends to know what he's doing (A-)
Frost Resistance: High, but still hates cold showers
Chrono-Tolerance: Somewhere between "ow" and "coma"
Soul Health: Hahahaha.
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🐘 BEASTIES
Wind Elephant (Now: Ash Storm Mammoth Beast)
20 eyes. Flaming sword in mouth. Definitely not subtle.
Glimmer Wolf: Glows at night. Probably radioactive.
Ice Salamander: Licks frost. Also judgmental.
Plated Serpent: Currently curled up and refusing to help.
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🔮 MYSTERIES
1. Frostline Continuum(frost realm)
Freezes stuff. Makes weapons. Great for snowcones.
Frost realm with ganso kingdom.
Side effect: Becoming emotionally colder than your ex.
2. Chrono-Strain Eyes
See the past! Experience migraines!
WARNING: Overuse may result in temporal nosebleeds or unlocking unwanted childhood trauma.
3. ??? Slot 3
Locked.
Key might be somewhere between grief, hope, or next Tuesday.
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🔒 SOUL LOCKS – CURRENT STATUS
Lock 1: Identity – Slightly unlocked. Now remembers 6th grade embarrassment.
Lock 2: karma – Wiggled. Not safe to open.
Lock 3: Time – Breathing weirdly. Avoid eye contact.
Locks 4–7: …[Data Redacted by the Universe]
> Unlocking all may result in cosmic enlightenment or spontaneous combustion. Either/or.
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🧾 ADDITIONAL NOTES
You are the prophesied egg-child of the Manas Civilization.
> Destiny says hi. Fate says "RUN."
Gloria is 74% likely to stab you if you skip another emotional conversation.
Guruji might be God. Still under investigation.
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