"You're not going!
Aunt Grace's voice snapped through the thin walls like a whip, loud and angry. I didn't flinch, I was used to it. Used to her controlling tone, her disapproving stare, her never-ending need to remind me that she "saved" me.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror.
Short black crop top. Check
Mini skirt that barely obeyed gravity. Double check.
The look said 'grown and dangerous' even if deep down, I still felt like a girl playing dress-up in pain.
"Ava, did you hear me?" she called again.
I sighed, applying a final stroke of eyeliner. "Yes, Grace. And I don't care."
"It's not safe. You don't even know who'll be there. You're not even supposed to be drinking."
I grabbed my purse, swiped on cherry lip gloss, and strutted out of my room like the decision was already made. Because it was.
"I'm not a child," I muttered, brushing past her in the hallway. "You're not my mom."
Her face tightened. That always hit harder than I wanted it to. But I didn't stop.
"You keep pushing boundaries you don't even understand," she hissed. "This world doesn't forgive girls like you.
"Good thing I'm not looking for forgiveness."
I slammed the front door behind me.
The party was wild before I even stepped in.
Red solo cups littered the ground. Smoke, weed or something stronger hung thick in the air. Bass thumped so hard it vibrated through my chest.
"Avaaaaa!"
Liz squealed as she pulled me into a hug that nearly dislocated my shoulder. "You made it, bitch!"
"Couldn't miss the biggest mistake of the year," I said, laughing.
We went straight to the kitchen. A line of shots waited for us like bad decisions in glass form.
"To bad girls doing bad things," Liz smirked, handing me one.
"To nights we'll regret," I smirked back.
The first burned.
The second numbed.
The third made the room tilt.
I danced, laughed, flirted. I kissed a stranger whose name I didn't ask for. We had shots of alcohol and eventually did a line of coke, ok maybe three.
And somewhere in between a grinding song and someone's hand on my waist, I stopped thinking.
"You okay?
A guy asked. Tall, built, hoodie zipped halfway, dark eyes that made me dizzy, "was I drugged" i thought to myself or maybe i had too much to drink.
"Just lightheaded," I mumbled, swaying.
"Come upstairs. I've got water."
He smiled soft, coaxing. Too gentle for danger so I followed.
My legs barely obeyed me.
My head spun.
"Sit here," he said, motioning toward a bed.
He handed me a glass, something cold, clear, maybe vodka, maybe not.
"You're so pretty," he whispered.
His hand brushed my knee.
I didn't flinch.
My eyes fluttered shut.
My head fell back.
"You're safe, Ava."
Did he say my name.
I don't remember telling him.
Something pressed against me.
Warm, Heavy, Wrong, Big.
My skirt was up.
My underwear was gone.
I can feel his hands underneath my private part, and his scent, that scent i can't recall.
My eyes opened, then closed again.
Fingers. Weight. Pain. Wetness. Movement.
"Stop..."
I think I whispered it. Or maybe just dreamed I did.
I didn't scream.
I couldn't.
I didn't fight.
I couldn't.
My mind was screaming, but my body was limp.
Everything blurred.
And then nothing.
I woke up in someone's room.
The bed smelled like sweat and cheap cologne.
My thighs ached.
There were bruises I couldn't explain
And my panties were gone.
Panic crawled through me like a sickness.
"What happened last night?"
"Who was he?"
"Why can't I remember his face?"
I stood up slowly, my legs trembling.
"Did I say yes?"
"Did I ask for this?"
"Or did someone take it from me?"
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to vanish.
But I did what most girls do.
I straightened my skirt.
Wiped my eyes.
And walked away like nothing happened.
The sky was already turning pale blue when I stumbled up the porch steps, my heels in one hand, my dress clinging to my skin like regret.
The key trembled in my fingers. My legs were sore. My thighs burned. And inside me… something felt off. Wrong. Like I was torn open, and the night was still inside me.
The front door swung open before I could unlock it.
"Are you out of your damn mind, Ava?"
Aunt Grace stood there in her robe, arms crossed, eyes bloodshot from waiting, or maybe crying. I couldn't tell.
I opened my mouth to speak, but I had nothing. Nothing but a dry throat and the taste of vodka still burning the edges of my tongue.
"Do you know what time it is?" she shouted. "I told you not to go! I told you not to sneak off to that disgusting school party!"
My silence fueled her rage. She stepped back to let me in, but her words slapped harder than her voice.
"You're barely Twenty-one! Walking in at dawn like some club girl? Do you think this is a hotel?"
I walked past her, avoiding her eyes. The hallway felt colder than the street outside. I just wanted to disappear. To erase the whole night.
"Where were you?" she demanded, following me. "Who were you with?"
I wanted to scream I don't know.
"I asked you a question!
"I was at the party," I muttered, barely audible.
She scoffed. "Of course you were. What did I tell you? You don't know those people. You don't know what boys are capable of"
I flinched. She kept talking, but her voice started to drown beneath the pounding in my ears.
What were boys capable of?
I felt the sheets again. The rough grip on my waist. The muffled breath in my ear. The hand covering my mouth. My body tensed, eyes wide open now, staring into nothing.
"Are you even listening to me?"
"No," I snapped, louder than I intended. "I'm tired, Grace. Can we not do this right now?"
She looked hurt for a second. Then bitter. "Tired from what, Ava? What exactly were you doing all night?"
I turned and faced her. My voice low. Shaky.
"I think someone... did something to me."
She blinked. The air between us dropped ten degrees.
"What?"
I swallowed hard. "I don't remember everything. I was drinking. I woke up... somewhere strange. Alone. I was... hurting".
Her hand went to her mouth. "Ava…"
"I don't want to talk about it."
And I didn't. Not now. Maybe not ever.
I brushed past her, walked to my room, and locked the door behind me.
I collapsed on the bed fully dressed. The sheets smelled like home. Like fake safety. I curled up, pulled the blanket over my head, and sobbed in silence.
Outside, I could hear her pacing. Then a knock.
"Ava. Please open the door. We need to go to the hospital."
I didn't move.
I didn't answer.
I just stared into the darkness and wondered if I'd ever feel clean again.