Quest Active: "Secrets of the Obsidian Vault"
Location: Obsidian Woods
Objective: Enter the hidden vault. Survive. Probably don't touch glowing things.
Danger Rating: 8/10 – Do Not Lick Anything.
The forest looked like someone cranked the gloom slider to max and added creepy sound effects on loop. Trees loomed like angry forks. Shadows whispered rude things. Even Blobert stayed unnaturally close.
"Map, are you sure we're going the right way?"
"Do I sound unsure?"
"Yes."
"…Shut up."
After an hour of getting scratched by twigs and emotionally bullied by squirrels, we found it: a black stone door with weird glyphs that were either ancient runes or someone's terrible graffiti.
Sarcasmus, ever-helpful, muttered, "Let me guess, you're going to touch the door, scream, and then die."
I poked it.
> RUMBLE…
The door slowly opened.
"Ha! Didn't scream. Suck it."
A cold wind blew out. Blobert bounced backward like a traumatized Jell-O cup. The vault's inside glowed faint purple, lit by crystal lanterns that definitely whispered "You're gonna die."
At the end of a hallway was a massive treasure chest.
Shiny. Ornate. Completely suspicious.
"Okay," I said, "what are the odds that's a mimic?"
Sarcasmus: "Roughly 100%."
Map: "I dare you to open it, coward."
Blobert: squish-squish of warning
I opened the chest.
It screamed, "YAY, SNACK TIME!" and swallowed me whole.
---
Inside the Mimic: Surprisingly Roomy
I landed in a slimy dimension full of floating socks, broken swords, and weirdly… a tiny tea set?
> Alert: You've been digested by a Mimic.
Status: Unharmed, mildly humiliated.
New Quest Unlocked: "Escape From Digestive Doom!"
"THIS IS WHY WE DON'T TRUST FURNITURE!"
The mimic burped.
I activated Skill: Laundry Resurrection Lv.1 (don't ask how I got that—long story involving a laundry basket boss fight from Chapter 2).
Dirty clothes glowed, spun, and attached to me like armor.
> New Gear Created: Laundry Plate Mk.1
Defense: 17
Style Points: 9000
Smell: Lemon Fresh
Even Sarcasmus was impressed. "You just crafted armor out of wet socks. I have… mixed emotions."
I slashed the mimic's insides. It screamed, "EW EW EW!" and spit me out like expired meatloaf.
Covered in soap-scented glory, I landed in a superhero pose.
> Mimic Defeated!
Loot Acquired:
– 1x Mimic Core
– 50 Bronze Coins
– Strange Book: "Guide to Domestic Combat: Folding With Fury"
– Legendary Skill Scroll: "Thread of Fate – Weave Form"
The scroll shimmered.
> New Skill Acquired: Thread Weaving (Lv.1)
Description: Use any fabric to create weapons, armor, traps… or fashion statements.
"Oh. My. God. I'm a magical tailor now."
Blobert jiggled in awe.
Sarcasmus whispered, "Don't make pants with eyes. Please."
Past the mimic room, we entered a smaller chamber lit with runes. On a pedestal sat… a belt.
A shiny, humming, dramatic music-playing belt.
> Item Identified: Belt of Dimensional Drawers
Effect: Access a pocket dimension to store gear, snacks, or existential dread.
Additional Perk: Always your size.
"YES! I can finally stop carrying 17 items in my underpants."
I strapped it on. Nothing exploded. Always a win.
Suddenly, a message:
> Secret Quest Chain Unlocked: "The Threads of Reality"
Goal: Discover the Seven Tailor Relics
First Clue: "In the city of silk and lies, the Needle waits."
Even the map sounded shocked. "…Dude. You triggered an epic quest by getting eaten by furniture."
"I'M A FASHION HERO."
Sarcasmus groaned. "If I hear the phrase 'battle underwear' one more time…"
---
Returning to Town: With Style
I walked into town wearing glowing scarf armor, a utility belt, and a smug grin. Everyone stared.
Guild Receptionist: "Sir… why do you look like a laundry elemental?"
"Because I am."
> Quest Complete: "Secrets of the Obsidian Vault"
Rewards: +XP, Thread Weaving Skill, Dimensional Storage, Mimic PTSD
Guild Title Earned: The Woven One
Bonus: Fashion Stat +5
Blobert wore a tiny new cape. Sarcasmus sighed dramatically.