We both sat there for a while, holding the other's hands. Even as she was angry at me she never let go of my hand.
She was right, I never trusted anyone, nor did I ever reach out to anyone for help mostly because it would bring back memories of the past buried deep within me. I didn't want to get attached to someone ever again only to be deceived again, I was scared.
On the other hand, I always longed for someone whom I could trust, someone who would tell me it was going to be okay.
However the constant fear of being deceived and abandoned again always restrained me from trying to open up to anyone ever again.
I wanted to tell her how much I regret leaving her, how painful it was to be alone for years, but in the end I couldn't do it, I didn't want to lose her. I didn't want her to abandon me, so I decided to bury everything again.
Her presence always made me vulnerable, her voice guiding my thoughts into a serene state of tranquillity, her every touch igniting sparks of longing within me.
The only thing I could do was stay by her side and protect her. She wanted me to open my heart to her, to rely on her, but I was reluctant to do so.
What if she deceives me, betrays me, what will I do then? Countless questions and doubts swarmed my mind.
Her words assured me, promised to me that she will not leave me, that she will stay by my side. Clinging to the glimpse of hope I decided to trust her. Perhaps the desperation influenced my decision but I still decided to trust her. That she will not leave me or take away something from me, as I had nothing to lose now.
"Have you calmed down?" I asked
"Y-Yeah, I'm sorry for lashing out on you like that"
"It's fine, what you said was right anyway"
"Still,.I shouldn't have lashed on you like that, especially when you had just woken up from a nightmare, I'm sorry I let my emotions overtake myself"
We both said nothing after that for a while eventually she broke the silence
"Did you often have nightmares in the past?"
I hesitated, not knowing what to say
I could feel her grip tightening around my hand "Its fine, you can tell me" she said softly
I was still afraid but I trusted her.
I started having nightmares 3 prior to the incident, I would see them every night, they would always tell me to die, that it was better to end it all than suffering everyday."
"I became heavily reliant on medicines and drugs, it did help me at first but with time it just got worse…I could see them everywhere"
"Eventually the nightmares became less frequent and disappeared altogether. I could still see faint figures from time to time but it was manageable."
"I still took medicines in light doses till my last moment, when we came here I stopped seeing them and the nightmares didn't return I thought I was fine but I was wrong…the nightmares…they were not gone they were just buried deep inside me due to the medicines now that I had stopped taking them they seemed to have surfaced again."
I tried to continue but no words came, the next moment I found myself in Zei's arms again, my face buried in her chest.
"Its okay you don't need to force yourself to continue", she whispered
"Everything will be fine, I will be here for you, so you can always talk to me, rely on me and I will do the same"
Whenever we embraced each other a sense of relief and warmth passed over my body. A sense of euphoria envelops me and combined with her gentle touch it made me drift into dreams once again. Miraculously I didn't saw another nightmare that night again
Opening my eyes I found myself in the same position as last night. Zei's hands were still wrapped gently around my head, making it hard to move without waking her up. It seems she had fallen asleep too, so I decided to stay there for a little longer.
After another hour or so, I finally decided to get up, as I moved it seemed to have woken up Zei as well. " Good morning, did you get enough sleep?" I said getting up
"Mhm.." she murmured.
I chuckled, it looks like she is still half asleep. But we had more pressing matters at hand right now, I went outside to find grey clouds surrounding the sky, strong winds blew past me.
"Looks like it's going to rain soon"
I headed to look for a water source and fortunately not very far found a small lake.