The Bureau of Reincarnation was screaming.
Well, technically, it was the servers that were screaming. And Ginger Snap. And also the "DO NOT TOUCH" lever, which was now sparking wildly after Snicker Dude had touched it with both hands and his face.
Above the Soul Dispatch Terminal, an emergency projection blinked:
⚠️ SYSTEM FATALITY Error 119: VENDO-SOUL Format Not SupportedReincarnation Format Corruption: 73%Suggested Action: PANIC
"WHAT DID YOU DO?" Ginger howled.
"I upgraded him," Snicker Dude said proudly. "With gacha compatibility, dual-slot soul dispenser, and a built-in snack personality matrix."
"You turned him into an autonomous snack deity!"
"Yup!" Snicker beamed.
"That's ILLEGAL!"
"So is putting fruit in lasagna," Snicker said, skateboarding past a flaming printer. "Doesn't mean people won't do it."
Ginger Snap ran over to the nearest console and began typing like a madman, muttering:
"Stabilize karma threading... reverse soul crystallization... reroute flavor profiles— WHY DOES HE HAVE FLAVOR PROFILES!?"
Derek stood inside the stasis ring, glowing softly with rainbow vending machine UI lights.
"I feel... delicious," he whispered.
Riku stared. "Your aura is... pixelated."
"I'm becoming everything I ever wanted," Derek said, eyes sparkling like a limited-time soda flavor. "A box of joy. A dispenser of hope. A cold can of destiny."
"You're talking like an anime OP," Riku said, backing away slowly.
"I'm a dream made metal."
"You're a liability."
System Memory Archive – Flashback Log
"Please state your reincarnation wish."
"I wanna be a vending machine, right? Like... in a dungeon."
"You realize that's an inanimate object?"
"Yeah. But make it, like... mystical. People should gather around me like I'm some sacred dispenser. I want to whir and glow. I want them to hear the click of the snack drop and feel emotionally changed."
"You... want to be a religion."
"Exactly."
Éclair appeared in a swirl of cookie crumbs and frustration.
"What in the name of semi-sentient soul jam is going on?"
Macaron was sipping tea with both hands, eye twitching. "Snicker invoked the forbidden vending machine format again."
Éclair stared at Derek's stats on the screen.
DEREK.EXE – Vending ClassCore Element: SodaPassive Skill: "Nutritional Enlightenment"Active Skill: "Snack Gacha Surge – 2 Hour Cooldown"Special: Accepts Soul Coins Only
"By the ovens of Valhalla," Éclair muttered.
"We have to send him out before he melts the Bureau's karma threads," Macaron said urgently. "Get the portal stabilized!"
Dispatch Initiated
Karma-1 revved his engine. "I'm gonna be honest—this is the weirdest payload I've had since the girl who wanted to reincarnate as a haunted kazoo."
Riku looked at the glowing vending unit floating in the Dispatch Ring. "Are we even sure this is stable?"
"Nope," said Ginger Snap, typing furiously. "But if he stays here another minute, our soul pipelines will convert into snack dispensers, and we'll start getting reincarnation requests from bagged chips."
"Alright then," Riku said. "Derek? You ready?"
Derek's glowing soul-casing blinked in rainbow lights.
"I was born ready. Or... dispensed ready."
Riku sighed. "Portal set?"
Karma-1: "Coordinates locked. Dungeon core: Abandoned Mines, Snackless Zone."
"Send it."
With a VEND! sound effect and the dramatic flair of a gacha jackpot, Derek vanished through the portal, leaving behind a trail of fizzy sparkles and one limited-edition melon soda can.
It rolled to Ginger Snap's feet.
He picked it up, narrowed his eyes.
"...This flavor doesn't exist in any known dimension."