Nefretiri
"I can't take these." Again, I tried pulling them off, but Ivan refused to let me go, so we ended up in the grass.
"I can give them to whoever I want," he pulled me onto his lap, his arms wrapped tightly around me like he was afraid I'd turn into the air. "I meant what I said. I'll wait forever if I have to, for you to be ready to be mine, but until then, these are my promises to you. Everyone will know that I'm yours."
"But-"
"Nefra. I know I screwed up, but I will never want anyone else. I saw you, and that was it for me. I can't change what I've done, but you will never have to worry about my loyalty. So, hate me for my past, but don't doubt me for our future."
"I don't hate you..." the tags felt heavy, as if they held everything Ivan was, and he trusted me with it. "I'm scared of you. I... don't know how to trust anymore. Ricky said he loved me. He said I was the only woman he'd want... but I wasn't. Everything was my fault, and it didn't matter how much I tried; it wasn't enough. I don't want to go through that again. You can promise me the world, but it doesn't make it true."
"You're right..." My words hurt him, but he couldn't deny them either. I hated them, too, because I felt like it was a lie. I didn't only want to trust Ivan. I think that I could. "And I'll do everything to prove my worth to you. Nefra, I don't expect you to crawl into my bed because we're mates, but if... you accept me, and we do have sex, I can promise you there won't be any complaints on either end."
Goosebumps prickled my skin at his words. I couldn't see his face, but I imagined the intensity in his eyes and how fierce he could look. It melted away at the ice, but not enough to subdue the fears. It all sounded so right, and I couldn't forget that feelings were already stirring. I wanted him. I wanted to do everything I'd learned and have him want me more for it. That didn't change my track record.
"The longest Ricky could go with me was fifteen minutes," I don't know why I was telling him this. It was humiliating, but it could help him understand. "He never cared if I felt anything, but I didn't complain because he'd get so insecure about it. I think I came twice in the three years we've been together and had to do the work to get them. I felt so worthless every time because you're supposed to enjoy it, right? You're supposed to feel something."
"Nefra..." Ivan's fingers touched my chin, and he turned my head so we could face each other. His breath touched me, and the tip of his nose brushed up against mine. The action was so gentle and a contrast to the anger in his voice. It made his growls sound even rougher. "First off. If he couldn't get you off, then that's on him. Second? Fifteen minutes? That's not even foreplay. Yes, you're supposed to enjoy it. You're supposed to be so delirious you can't think straight, and I can confidently and arrogantly assure you that I'll deliver that for you."
Words aren't supposed to do things to you, are they?
I tried to seem composed, but I failed. My body squirmed, trying to get more friction. I don't know if it was what he said or how, but I was succumbing to his want. Ricky made me run, and Ivan made me want to stay. It was a temptation, and I wanted to say yes without fear. How could a man assure you he'd wait a lifetime for you and still manage to turn you into a puddle of goo?
"You're very sure of yourself, Alpha," I whispered, incapable of expressing anything else. "And you don't seem bothered that I've warned you that I'm no good."
"I'm not taking the idiotic reviews of someone not worthy of you." This man was dangerous. When he wanted to, he could make his words sound like silk and honey, and I wanted to submit and do whatever I needed to so I could bask in that power. "I think you're much more than he ever thought, and you had no reason to give him any energy."
"And what if I never want it?" That was quickly becoming less likely, but I was curious.
"Then we won't." He said it so matter-of-fact like it really didn't bother him.
"Just like that? You'd... not want it again?" I couldn't believe that.
"Just like that. If you don't want it, I won't either."
"That... doesn't make sense." I couldn't imagine a man being like that for me.
"It does if you understand werewolves. If you told me you never wanted to have sex, my wolf would cut all that off."
"That doesn't seem fair..." I didn't like that. It felt like punishing one person for the sake of the other.
"It'd only happen if you really didn't want it, but that would've happened when I was younger. We're connected, Nefra. Mates complement each other in every way. If you were the kind of person who never wanted to have sex, I'd be the same way. If you've gone through things that make you not want it, my wolf makes sure I won't suffer while we deal with it."
"That's... useful." I felt better about that, but it was still an awkward situation. "I don't know... how I feel about all that. I'm... broken."
"That's okay." It's strange how calm he is now, but it doesn't feel like a switch. Ivan adjusted to what we needed, making it easier for both of us to communicate. Was I doing the same? "I'm broken, too. We'll figure it out. I'm glad you don't hate me."
"But I don't trust you," I didn't mean it as a jab, just a fact. It was bitter to have, and it opened the door to another truth. "You shouldn't trust me either. You should take these back."
"No. They stay with you. I do trust you, and I get that you can't trust me. I don't trust me yet. I'm healing from all the bullshit I did, and I know you need to heal from everything, but I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."
"Why did you stop?" The anger and jealousy were still there, but it was a manageable burn instead of an inferno.
"I woke up in Salt Lake one day, had no clue how I got there, and didn't know what I'd done the night before. I realized I didn't want to be this thing anymore." I stayed silent, finding it ironic that Ivan had discovered his clarity in the last city I'd run away from. "I went home and... asked for help. Actually, I begged. No one knows what I did except for my family. Before that, it was just Steven and Vince. They covered everything, cleaned up the messes, and kept me alive. I owe them everything, but they didn't know how to help me come back from that darkness." the mood had changed again, becoming somber but not uncomfortable. "I started going to meetings, but they didn't work for me. It helped confront the addiction but not the source of the pain. I saw the best werewolf doctor in the country, he couldn't tell me what was wrong. He thought it was the injuries from Afghanistan, but it wasn't. I tried healers, but their magic didn't do anything. I even went to a human therapist. She was the first to get close to the problem. She said I had all the signs of grief, that I was suffering a great loss. I didn't understand, but she helped me work through some of the smaller things. Finally, my mom took me to this witch she knows in Denver. She took one look at me and said she knew what was wrong but that she couldn't cure me. Said my salvation was by bringing back my mate from the dead. I had no clue what she meant. How could I bring back what I never had? I think I get it now..."
"What do you think she meant?" Witches and sorcerers are different. People think we're the same thing, but we use magic differently. We can learn each other's craft, but it doesn't come as easily.
"I think she sensed our bond. It's stronger than others... When I found you, I felt sane again. I'm not... like I was before, maybe neither of us will be, but I don't feel the phantom pains in my body, my head feels clearer, and I... want to be again. I don't know if that makes sense."
"It does," I understood exactly what he meant. I felt saner, even with the voices. When Ivan was close, it wasn't so loud.
"Nefra, I won't promise you we won't have problems. Everyone does, but I swear it will never be because I want someone else. I'll piss you off. I'm good at it, and sometimes I don't realize I've done it. We're going to disagree and fight. You're as stubborn and opinionated as I am, I can tell. But I will never, ever hurt you... unless we're training or... you're in labor. Then I can't help that..."
"Wait... you... want children... with me?" I don't know why that was more surprising than the idea of training. What kind of training?
"Yeah. Penelope would like a little brother or sister someday. Not for a while, though."
I thought about everything we'd discussed, letting the silence blanket me.
It wasn't tense like before. This was comfortable and peaceful—nothing like the chaos when we were yelling. Honestly, I'm shocked no one showed up to see what was going on. Would it be this crazy all the time? Is that what I wanted?
'He cares,' that was something I had to wrap my head around. 'I care.'
"How... do I reject Ricky?" I wasn't sure of everything, but I could admit that I trusted Ivan enough to let him help me with this. "I'd... like to cut ties with him every way I can."
"Of course..." Ivan grinned. I knew because his fangs had a slight glow to them. The magic of his wolf was easy to see, but it didn't scare me like before. "You say I, your full legal name, reject his full legal name, as my whatever you want to put there."
"That's it?" it couldn't be that simple.
"Focus your energy. Make sure it's what you want." he readjusted us, so I straddled his legs. He's had me nearly naked, and yet this felt more intimate. "When we do it, it's got to be face to face, but he's not your soulmate."
"I, Nefretiri Diana Jordans, reject Richard Jushion North as my husband, partner, and... anything. I reject you as my mate."
I don't know why I said the last part, but it felt right.
The pull of magic was so intense I felt like it was pulling me away. My body ached, causing me to collapse on Ivan, and he held me tightly as the pain grew. My muscles felt weak, my bones hurt like it was freezing, and my stomach lurched. I thought I was going to throw up, but I managed to hold my food down. The only part of me that felt nothing was my heart. That stayed settled and unharmed, a sign I didn't love Ricky.
'Maybe I never did.'
"Are you okay?" Ivan asked, worried, running his hands over my body and checking me over.
"Yeah..." I was shaky. The magic wasn't like anything I'd felt, but somehow, I knew Ricky felt it, too. "I think... he's about to find out I'm gone."
"Okay... Then we should get going... Are you sure you're okay?" Ivan got up, keeping me in his arms as we returned to the picnic table.
"I'm okay... I think... we had some kind of bond. Not like you and me, but it was something." That would explain why I reacted to him, but it was strange. Now, I felt tired. "Where are those jelly beans. I'm starving again."
"In my jacket, let me grab it." He set me on the table before picking up his phone. He handed me the zip-lock bag and lifted me bridal-style. I didn't argue; I was so sleepy now.
"Is it supposed to feel good?" I felt free. Somehow, I had found that freedom here with Ivan, and all the weight I'd held onto was gone.
"I've never heard of a rejection feeling like that, but if it does, then that can only be good." Ivan set me in the passenger seat and buckled me in like before. Even that didn't feel so strange. He wanted to protect me, and I liked it.
"I like milk chocolate," I grabbed his arm before he could pull away, not wanting to be away from him yet. "Not really fond of white or dark unless it's part of something."
"Funny, I like white and dark better." With one arm resting on the back of my seat and the other against my side. He let me hold onto him. "I can't cook much, but I make a great homemade pizza."
"I like cooking... and baking..." How could I be this tired and not want to sleep? "I'm pretty good at it too."
"Lucky me," I was glad we had the light now. I loved how sly Ivan looked when he smirked. He'd warned me he had an ego, but it worked on him, especially when he smiled. "I'll eat everything you make, but for now, how about I get you back to the house so you can get some sleep?"
"Okay..." I didn't want to let him go, but I also wanted to sleep. "You're cute this close..."
"Just cute?" It's funny to watch a six-foot-seven guy pout, but watching him have a wicked idea as he looks at your mouth is even funnier. "I mean... I think you're more than cute this close... I'd say you're incredibly tempting."
He didn't give me a chance to ask him what he meant.
I've kissed this werewolf more than I have anyone else in my life. I still can't get over the softness of his lips, and if he wanted to get in the back seat and make out, I'd eagerly agree. Sadly, he pulls away, leaving me wanting, and he knows what he's done. I didn't miss his amusement as he shut the door, leaving me in the dark. My lips tingled, complaining because that wasn't enough. It makes no sense to be this addicted, but everything about him feels familiar.
"You're mean," I whine as he slides into his seat, rewarded with his deep chuckle.
"I know," at least he didn't deny it. "Come on. There's a bed with your name on it."
'But does it have your name on it too?' I shouldn't think like that, but part of me wondered where he'd sleep.
"Wait. You're staying in Liam's territory?" I was shocked when I saw the address light up on the GPS.
"How do you know the dragon?" Ivan turned off the truck, the lines on his forehead deepening as his lips pulled down.
"I've been to his house..." More like his mansion, but Liam insisted it wasn't so grand. It made me think that he and Sarah owned something much bigger. "When I first moved here, Sarah was teaching me magic..."
"Sarah?" Ivan must not know her.
"She's Liam's mate. They're nice..."
"Nice? He's charging me three times the market value for the rent..."
"Yeah..." I wasn't shocked. Liam was big on business, and his prices could be steep. "How'd you find him?"
"We didn't; he found us." Ivan started the engine but didn't look happy. "We were trying to get Greg's car to work, then all of a sudden, a guy came up to us. He was walking along the road. He spoke to Taylor, said there was a house we could rent, and that his master would cut us a deal... some deal."
"He probably did make you a deal," Liam was many things, but he was a man of his word. I wonder who'd been patrolling. "Did this guy have gold eyes?"
"Yeah... Do you know who it was?" We pulled out of the parking lot, Ivan's fingers tapping the wheel.
"No, all his guards have gold eyes, but it's definitely Liam. You just have to get used to the way he is." You had to, or he'd drive you mad.
"So... they're your friends?" Ivan didn't sound convinced, and it made me feel uncomfortable.
"Yeah... Not with his guards. I barely knew most of them, but Sarah and Maggie. That's her student. I spent a lot of time with them before Ricky took my car and phone."
"Why didn't they help you get away from him?" I flinched at how accusing he was. That was a complicated topic and one I couldn't defend easily. "If they're your friends, they should've helped you."
"They tried..." I felt awful about this part because it was never their responsibility or fault. "I didn't take it. Liam offered me a job, but Ricky didn't want me to work... Then he found out where I was going, and he flipped out. I didn't get to come back over."
"It's still shit that they didn't check on you..."
"I never gave them my address," I doubt they needed it. All of this was Liam's, but where we were going was his personal territory. Ivan had no idea what an honor it was for him to offer him a place there, but I doubt he'd look at it that way. "Plus, it's not their way. You come to them, not the other way around."
"I still think it's bullshit." he scoffed, unimpressed.
You can feel it when you cross the line into Liam's lands.
Everything shifts, even the air, and you know you're somewhere different. For some reason, I always felt itchy when I came here. At first, I thought it was allergies, but it went away after a cup of tea with Sarah. Now, there was no tea, and I felt it deep in my skin where I couldn't get to it. I probably needed a hot shower, and tomorrow, I could walk over to the house and talk to her. There was so much I wanted to share, and it would be nice for her to see Penelope.
"That's one of his guys," I point out a man walking down the street. He smiles at us, waving like it's the afternoon, his eyes glowing like molten gold.
"He seemed to know you," was Ivan jealous?
"I've eaten dinner with everyone a few times," and spent several afternoons helping in Sarah's garden. "I think I know three of their names... I don't remember his."
"Hmm," was all Ivan said as we drove. Yes, he was jealous.
The closer we got to Liam's house, the more intense the magic became. I'd never met someone as powerful as the dragon or his mate. Neither were people you wanted to mess with, and I hoped Ivan remembered to treat them with respect. Liam could be your saving grace, like he'd been for me the day we'd met, or he could be your worst nightmare. It was challenging to gauge him because he enjoyed some weird things, but you had to take his exentricities as part of the package that was Liam.
"Can you turn on the air?" I was sweating, my jacket suffocating me. "Please?"
"Sure..." Ivan obliged, the air hitting my face, offering instant relief. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, it's just... hot..." That wasn't new for New Mexico, but it hit me out of nowhere.
"Taylor said Penelope's asleep," that came out of nowhere. I glanced at his phone on the dash, but it hadn't lit up. How had he seen a message from her? "She didn't text me... We're close enough to mind-link."
"What's that?" I'd never heard of that before.
"I'm able to communicate with everyone in my pack... We're close enough, so it's not a hassle."
"Oh..." That was some kind of superpower. Imagine talking to someone without needing a phone or opening your mouth.
"When... you're Luna. You'll be able to do the same..." he was more hesitant with that information, and I chose not to comment.
There was that word again.
Luna.