Jiang Chen had many fears in life.
Being buried alive by cabbages?
Not on the list.
Until now.
"Sir!" a frantic disciple shouted from somewhere behind the bamboo grove. "They've started weeding competitions in your name! The Sect Elders are participating!"
Jiang Chen rolled over and stared at the sky.
That wasn't a hallucination. He'd heard it clearly.
Weeding. Competitions.
Elders.
He sat up and braced himself with both hands. "Is this how empires fall? Because of root vegetables?"
Yanyan rushed toward him, panting and waving what appeared to be a silk fan covered in motivational slogans.
"Senior Brother, we have a problem."
"We have so many, Yanyan. You're going to have to be more specific."
"They're saying the soil under your cabbage patch has spiritual properties!"
"…Because I tripped and fell into it once."
"They're claiming your entire essence was absorbed into the soil and now the cabbages can enhance qi flow."
"That wasn't my essence! That was a nosebleed and mild dehydration!"
Yanyan didn't blink.
"They've started exporting your dirt."
"…What?!"
"They've bagged it. They're calling it 'Master Jiang's Enlightenment Earth.'"
"YANYAN!"
She held up a hand. "I tried to stop them! I swear! But then the Sect Leader asked for a bag, and now it's spreading like wildfire. People are claiming their knees stopped hurting after planting tomatoes in it."
Jiang Chen had no words. Not a single one.
So he just laid back down again.
The dirt felt warm.
Comforting.
Betraying.
He heard the soft crunch of footsteps. Not Yanyan's. Not Umbrella Girl's. He didn't have to look to know it was her—the villainess.
She didn't announce herself. She just tossed something on his chest.
He opened one eye.
A scroll?
"What is this?"
"The official blueprints for the Jiang Chen Memorial Meditation Pavilion."
"…Memorial?! I'm still alive!"
"They're anticipating your eventual martyrdom."
"I stubbed my toe!"
The villainess stared down at him. "You bleed a lot for someone so peaceful."
"That's because people keep throwing turnips at me in reverence!"
Yanyan bowed her head. "It was only once."
"IT WAS A WHOLE CRATE!"
The villainess dropped onto the grass beside him, legs crossed, elbows on knees. "They're now composing operas about your farming techniques. There's one titled 'The Hoe That Whispered Wisdom.'"
He didn't move.
"…Do I sound dramatic if I say I want to walk into the forest and become a potato?"
Yanyan coughed. "You already have a root vegetable following."
"Don't phrase it like that," he muttered.
At that exact moment, a breeze floated in through the trees, carrying soft chanting.
He strained his ears.
"Dig the soil, don't question fate... Weeding well will make you great…"
"…Yanyan."
"Yes?"
"Are those… children?"
"They've turned your failed planting attempt into a nursery rhyme."
The villainess added casually, "There's a dance, too. Umbrella Girl was choreographing it with the Outer Court kids."
Jiang Chen sat up with all the grace of a wet noodle. "How. Did. This. Happen."
"You tripped," Yanyan offered helpfully.
"You existed," the villainess added.
He covered his face with both hands. "I swear, if someone builds a Jiang Chen-shaped topiary, I will defect to the enemy sect and become a villain out of spite."
There was a long silence.
"…They already did," Yanyan said, softly. "It's a… rotating bush. It waves."
"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!"
Later that afternoon, after he'd run out of breath from screaming into the grass, Jiang Chen attempted something he hadn't dared since this whole mess began:
A walk.
Alone.
He tiptoed past statue #29 (which was him posing mid-sneeze), ducked under the scaffolding where statue #30 was apparently in construction (based on him 'heroically defending a cabbage from rabbits'), and slipped behind the greenhouse using a bamboo hat and a very unconvincing limp.
He just needed five minutes. Five minutes without someone quoting a haiku about mulch.
And for about four minutes and fifty-two seconds, it worked.
Until he reached the pond.
There, seated under the willow tree, was Umbrella Girl, twirling her umbrella and humming something suspiciously close to the cabbage song.
"Oh no," he muttered, turning to leave.
"Master Jiang!"
Too late.
"Would you like some peach buns?" she asked, producing a cloth-wrapped bundle with the enthusiasm of someone unveiling a treasure chest.
"I—" he paused. "…Are these from the Inner Court kitchen?"
"No, I made them myself!"
Jiang Chen blinked.
Then blinked again.
"…Why?"
"To show appreciation! Also to celebrate your cabbage philosophy reaching the Alchemy Department!"
"I— That's not— That's not something people celebrate!"
"But you inspired a new pill. They're calling it the Enlightenment Root Elixir. It smells faintly like turnips and boosts stamina."
He opened his mouth.
Closed it.
Stared at the buns.
They had little cabbage patterns on top.
"…I give up."
Umbrella Girl beamed. "So you'll eat them?"
"I don't trust them."
"You don't trust me?"
"I don't trust the universe. You're a victim of it, just like me."
There was a brief pause.
Then, quietly: "Master Jiang…"
He tensed. "Please don't say something touching."
"I just think…" She smiled softly. "You're really cool."
His eyes twitched.
"No, I'm not."
"You are."
"I once choked on a bean sprout and passed out."
"You turned that into a parable."
"I didn't! Someone else did!"
"I heard it helped a Senior Brother breakthrough his bottleneck."
"I— How do I even respond to that?!"
She giggled, and it was like someone flinging cherry blossoms into a bonfire.
He sighed.
Again.
Louder.
"…You're all insane," he muttered.
"But we're your insane followers!" she said brightly.
"I am not starting a sect."
"Of course not. We've already registered it ourselves!"
"…You what?!"