Jiang Chen had never woken up to a letter carved into a cucumber before.
But here he was.
Standing in front of the Sect's grand bulletin board—half-dressed, half-asleep, and fully regretting every life decision that led to this moment—staring at a glistening green vegetable stabbed into the wood.
The message was carved in clean, swooping calligraphy:
"If your hoe has touched more hearts than soil, then meet me at dawn. Pavilion of the Twin Blossoms. We settle this. Through poetry."
—Anonymous Romantic Rival
Underneath it, someone had written "RIP Cucumber" in charcoal.
He turned to Lin Wuyue, who stood beside him sipping tea, smug as ever. "Was this you?"
She raised an eyebrow. "If I challenged you to a duel, I'd use something classier. Like a squash."
"That's not helping."
Wuyue leaned in, voice low and sweet. "Don't tell me you're scared of a little rhyming?"
Jiang Chen narrowed his eyes. "I'm scared of everything lately."
At dawn, the Pavilion of Twin Blossoms was unusually crowded.
Disciples had gathered in excited clumps, clutching betting slips, roasted peanuts, and little flags that said "Team Mysterious Admirer" or "Team Hoe Daddy."
(He still didn't know who started that nickname. He suspected Wuyue.)
In the center stood a tall, masked figure in dark purple robes, holding a scroll and a rhyming blade.
Beside him stood the Grand Elder, sipping goji berry wine and thoroughly enjoying the chaos.
"Let the Cultivated Confession Duel… begin!" the Elder announced, throwing flower petals in the air like confetti.
The masked rival bowed dramatically. "I have traveled far, from the Northern Broccoli Peaks, seeking the one who tends hearts like he tends fields. I shall win his affection today!"
Jiang Chen blinked. "Wait… you're confessing to me?"
The crowd gasped.
Wuyue choked on her tea.
The Empress arrived at that moment, flanked by two scowling handmaidens. "What is happening."
The masked figure pulled out a scroll. "Prepare yourself, Jiang Chen! For my verses are as sharp as my longing!"
He cleared his throat and began:
"In winter's chill, I saw thee sowA turnip bold, yet heart did glow.Thy rake it twirled, thy weeds did flee—Oh Jiang, please do cultivate me."
Half the crowd swooned.
The other half asked if it came in print.
Jiang Chen was, predictably, panicking.
[DING! Side Mission: Retaliate with a Counter-Haiku!]
– Bonus Reward: Temporary charisma boost (30 mins)– Penalty: You'll be labeled a coward. And possibly vegetable-phobic.
He grabbed a scroll, stood tall, and blurted:
"Beets are red and soil is deep,I just want to garden, eat, and sleep.Your poem's nice, but please desist—I didn't sign up for this twist."
A hush fell.
Then the Grand Elder clapped. "Bravo! That was emotionally confusing and deeply unromantic!"
The masked figure took off his mask.
It was a girl.
A very pretty one. With two buns shaped like radishes.
"I didn't mean to scare you," she said with an embarrassed bow. "I just… heard your haikus. And your rake technique. And I thought…"
The Empress glared daggers. "Thought what, exactly?"
Lin Wuyue folded her arms. "Thought she could just confess in front of everyone? That's bold."
The radish-haired girl flushed. "I'm sorry! I'm new to the sect and I misunderstood!"
Jiang Chen sighed. "No more public duels over my hoeing habits, please."
The Grand Elder cleared his throat. "Too late."
Everyone turned.
A scroll had appeared, fluttering from the sky like an omen. It opened midair, glowing.
It read:
"Official Declaration: Due to unprecedented poetic interest, Jiang Chen shall now be the sect's Romantic Mascot. Weekly confession duels are henceforth mandatory."
"…I hate everything," Jiang Chen muttered.
Later, back at his courtyard, Jiang Chen collapsed face-down into his cabbage patch. Wuyue stood nearby, watching.
"So," she said, poking him with a stick. "Three women tried to confess to you in twenty-four hours. Two wrote poems. One tried to marry you via cucumber."
"Can we not."
"The sect thinks you're the reincarnation of a romantic war god now."
"I'm literally covered in dirt."
She crouched beside him. "You were kinda charming, you know. That poem?"
"I panicked."
"You made a pun about vegetables."
"…Are you flirting with me?"
She poked him again. "Maybe."
He peeked up from the soil. "Wuyue?"
"Yeah?"
"…You're the only normal one here."
She smiled. "That's terrifying."
He smiled back.
Then the system dinged.
[Main Mission Updated!]
Title: "Don't Let Anyone Else Confess Until You Figure Out Your Feelings!"– Duration: 5 chapters– Reward: Plot clarity– Penalty: Emotional collapse and another goose.
Jiang Chen groaned. "No. Not another goose."