"I'm back. Saving the world is exhausting."
As soon as Alan returned to the Batcave, he went straight to Bruce's bedside. Bruce was still weak, his strength not yet recovered. He would need to rest for a day or two. With his extraordinary physical fitness and the manor's top-notch medical equipment, he would be fine.
Under the watchful gaze of the Bat Family, Alan unceremoniously sat on the bed, leaned next to Bruce, put a hand on his shoulder, and said in a wise, old-fashioned tone, "Bat, listen to my advice. Flowers will bloom again after they wither, but a flower that wilts too soon will be left behind. You must learn to increase your income and reduce your expenditures."
"…"
Bruce asked weakly, "Alan, you must have discovered something, right?"
"Of course," Alan said proudly. "Who am I? The embodiment of justice, the Comedic Bat. Even my poop is fragrant." He added earnestly, "Sooner or later, this world will end without me."
When everyone heard this, their faces turned dark. This world would seem a little more normal without you.
Ahem…
Alan cleared his throat, moved to a chair, steepled his fingers under his chin, and said seriously, "I found not only the Owl Judges in their nest but also the Strigoi Priests who live hidden underground."
"Strigoi Priests?" Bruce gave him a quizzical look. He had seen the Owl Judges while he was trapped; they all wore masks, and their voices had been specially processed, so he couldn't see their true appearances. Therefore, he couldn't act rashly against the rich and powerful of Gotham, lest he give them an opportunity to use public opinion against him.
"The Strigoi Priests are a humanoid race with a very terrifying appearance. They are followers of Barbatos." As he spoke, Alan put his hands like pincers on the corners of his mouth and described them. "They look like Predators, with four fangs in their mouths, but they're not as good at fighting."
"Predator?" The more Bruce listened, the more confused he became. It was all nonsense.
"You haven't even heard of the Predator? They're an alien hunter civilization that specializes in hunting powerful creatures to complete their trials. Their technological level is as high as a four or five-story building, and they especially like to hunt Xenomorphs." Alan became more and more excited as he spoke. "Do you know about the Xenomorphs? Facehuggers hatch from eggs, find a creature, hug its face, and inject an embryo to parasitize it. Then the mature alien bursts out of their chest! It's so exciting!"
"Maybe we can find one at Weyland Corporation now, or we can go under the ice in Antarctica and find the pyramid where the Alien Queen is imprisoned."
Are you reading from a script? Bruce and the five young heroes didn't take a word of it seriously. Who could believe what a mentally ill person says?
"Alan, you're off-topic," Bruce reminded him.
"Back to the point." Alan recounted with great joy, "There was a group of people who were well-fed and had endless money to spend, and they met a group of cultists—not the same ones from Silent Hill—who came to sell them an immortality project."
"'I have connections in the Dark Multiverse,' they said. 'The risk is high, but so is the profit. As they say, fortune is found in danger. If you have the guts, we'll split it seventy-thirty after we succeed.'"
"When this group of rich people heard this, they thought the project was a great deal, so they invested. The plan was simple: induce the Bat to come into contact with five special metals. Electrum, the Dionysus Factor, Promethium, Nth Metal, and Batmanium…"
Bruce asked in confusion, "Why me?" He felt angry and aggrieved that he was being stuffed with metal when he hadn't provoked anyone.
"That's a very profound question." Alan thought for a moment and replied, "Because you're popular. Only by developing a plot around you can we have sales."
"…"
Alan blinked and asked, "Where was I?"
"Batmanium."
"Right, roasted gluten," Alan continued. "Bat, when you absorb all five metals, you become a time-space anchor. The Bat-God Barbatos will be able to successfully invade our world. First, he'll send his advance team, the Dark Knights. The superheroes will win through a desperate fight. Then, the big boss will show up, and the problem will become a big one."
"Fortunately, we'll find the rice cooker that sealed Demon King Piccolo, take out the Tenth Metal inside, defeat the boss, and release the goddess Perpetua, who was imprisoned in the Source Wall."
Everyone looked at each other, not quite understanding. But one thing was certain: the problem was serious.
While they were digesting the information, Alan suddenly stood up and said solemnly, "Oh no, things are far worse than we imagined." He stepped forward, grabbed Bruce's shoulders, and warned, "Bat, you already have three of the metals. You must not touch Hawkman's weapons, Doctor Fate's helmet, or Deathstroke's equipment. They all contain Nth Metal."
"Why do I feel like your real intention is to have me steal their equipment?" The targets and items were so clearly stated that Bruce couldn't help but suspect Alan was speaking sarcastically.
"They have what you need over there," Alan said, turning his head away shyly.
Why are you blushing?
Bruce asked, "Since when do I have three metals?" He had never seen any of these so-called special metals, and yet he had somehow come into contact with three of them. It was terrifying to think about. Moreover, how did Alan know all this so clearly? There were too many questions.
"In the lair's maze, did you drink water from the spring-fed pool?"
In response to Alan's question, Bruce admitted that after being trapped in the maze for several days without food or water, it was only normal for him to drink to quench his thirst.
"That's Electrum. They deliberately tricked you into drinking it," Alan pointed out. "There is a pure pool of the Dionysus Factor hidden in the underground river of the Batcave. The Talon weapons that Dick and Jason brought back are coated in Promethium. That makes three."
If the Owl Judges had been present, they would have called him a great guy. They thought they had only reached the first step, but in fact, they had already completed the third.
"It's getting late. I'm going back to the asylum." Alan glanced at the nonexistent watch on his wrist, then adjusted the nonexistent monocle in his right eye socket and said meaningfully, "Every gift from fate has a price secretly marked on it."
Always home on time.
After watching Alan leave, the Batcave fell into silence.
"Dick, show me the Talon's weapons," Bruce gestured.
"Alan said you can't touch it," Dick hesitated.
"Do you believe the words of a psychopath?"
"…"
Bruce looked at the exquisitely crafted sword and found nothing unusual, so he ordered, "Dig down into the Batcave. See if there is a Dionysus Factor."
Reality often proceeds along its original trajectory. In the original comics, Bruce, despite the objections of the Justice League, had insisted on studying the five special metals in an attempt to find a solution to Barbatos's invasion, which ultimately led to the disaster.
To briefly summarize: Bruce, ever the problem-solver, was about to create an even bigger problem.
This was his middle-aged rebellion.
***********
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