( Alys Prov)
I went back home with a wrecked heart. In my entire life, today was the day that I just had to question why was I still living if all that I'd be feeling was pain and suffering?
The feeling of your happiness being questioned was the worse of them all.
Why, Tripp?
I was holding on to that piece of happiness. When everything was so hard, I just remembered Drake was there, and I was happy. But why do you have to deny me that?
"Alys?" my Mom called out my name. She was looking at me with pity and I couldn't blame her. Even I felt sorry for myself. I was so hard. If this was just a basketball game, I would probably have timed out.
I approached her with heavy feet. For the sake of her sanity, I tried to smile. I knew that if I was hard, she was harder. She's my mother.
"How are you?" she asked me.
"It's hard..."
It's damn hard. It's hard. It hurts. But despite all the hardships, I cling to Drake. He's the only one who gives me hope that I can handle all this. That even though it's so hard now, I can trust because there's still tomorrow.
She hugged me tight and assured me that everything's gonna be alright. I hope so. I hope everything's gonna be alright because I'm so hard on what's happening. It felt like I'd explode anytime soon. Just... just anytime I'd crash and burn.
I had a good crying inside my Mom's arms. She caressed me and then hugged me to sleep. It was very sweet of hers. Despite everything I did, she still loved me and would do everything to help me. I was just thankful for having my family beside me while all these madness consume my being.
That night, I had the longest sleep in weeks. No dramas, no crying. I just slept it all. I needed it. My body felt so worn out.
Morning rolled in fast and the first thing that I did was to check up on Drake. The day was gloomy and it looked like it was going to rain hard anytime soon. The sky was giving a hint of what was about to come: a heavy pouring. I smiled bitterly. Maybe the heavens and I shared the same feeling. We both needed a good cry. A damn good one at that.
I stood up and went to the bathroom while holding the phone in my hands. My hands were fumbling and my heart was beating fast. I didn't have the chance to contact Drake last night. My mind was heavy with everything. There was just too much to digest.
While I was laying in my bed last night, everything Tripp told me came back. He was right... How can happiness be measured? Can it be measured by the number of smiles you made? The laughter you shared? What is the basis of being happy?
I knew I was happy with Drake... Or at least I was happy. The memories we shared were the ones I cherished the most. Every smile, every hold he had on my hand, I could never forget. No matter how much he had hurt me, it was just too hard for me to forget him.
It was like forgetting him was forgetting who I was. He's a part of who I was. And if given the chance, I'd like for him to be a part of who I would be.
With Drake, everything seemed hopeful. My future, my everything, since I met him, I've been looking forward to tomorrow because I know it'd be worth it.
"Drake?" I said when he finally picked up the phone. I was in the middle of washing my face when he spoke. My breathing hitched up. I could only hear his voice, my chest was pounding.
I could hear his heavy breathing.
"Yeah?"
"Have you eaten yet?" I asked him, unable to do anything but to worry. I didn't want to ask him anything else. He's been through too much.
There was a beat and then he answered me with, "Not yet. Let's eat together?"
I smiled at his question. It's a good thing he still remembered me. I thought he was always sad, e.
"Sure. I'll go there in a while, okay?"
"I'll pick you up."
"No, I'll just go. Okay?"
"Alright."
I was about to end the call when I remembered... "I love you, Drake. Always. Forever. To the moon and back.'
It was the truth. No matter what happens, my love for him will never cease. Sure, I get tired but at the end of the day, I still love him. That's how epic love is. No matter how hurt you get, no matter how tired you get, in the end, you'll still come back and come back. Why? You love me, huh.
Sometimes, I think that the person who thought about the meaning of love is just playing with me. Why does love have to hurt? Can't it just be love? But with everything that's happened, I thought that it's okay to get hurt sometimes... So that you can appreciate the happy events more.
I finished dressing up momentarily. Today, I'd do anything just to make everything seem normal. Just for today, I want to feel like we're just normal people. Even if they say that running away is a bad thing, right? I just want to run away. Even if it's just for one day. That can't be fun, right?
Just in time before I wore my shoes, Mom entered my room.
"Why "Are you going somewhere?" she asked when she saw my things scattered on my bed. I was just looking for something to wear. I wasn't dolling up for Drake. I was looking for something that would make him feel at home. 'Is that normal?'
I nodded and then strapped the lace.
"Uhm, okay. But Tripp's downstairs."
"Ha?"
"Tripp's downstairs waiting for you," she said again. She looked at me, as if she was holding back what she wanted to say to me. I waited for her to gather the guts... And when she finally did... "Alys, baby, you know I love you and I'm just always behind you in every decision that you make... But please, just please, put yourself first above anyone else. Just because you love the person, it doesn't give you the license to hurt yourself over and over again. If that's the case, it's not love anymore. It's just responsibility. Love is bliss, not ignorance."
I smiled at her. I knew she meant well but I'd rather be ignorant with Drake than to be smart and alone.
"Thanks, Mom," I said and then looked at myself one last time in the mirror.
She gave in a deep sigh and then kissed me on the cheek. "I love you, baby. Always remember that, okay?"
"Of course, Mom."
I went downstairs while my Mom went to her room. She knew better than to spy on me. It wasn't a good idea to spy on someone yet I always ended up spying up on Fier. What an irony.
While I was going down, my heart kept on beating abnormally. Seeing Tripp was just too much for me. Last night, when he leaned in and kissed me... Just. Damn it.
"What?" I asked him. I couldn't look properly. That kiss... No, Alys. I love Drake. Tripp's just messing with my head.
I pushed him. And then slapped him.
"What the hell?!" I said and then wiped my lips with my hand. "What's your problem?!"
My face was red with anger. I was annoyed. I was hurt. Wasn't all I had been through the past few days enough that he needed to add more?!
He was staring at me intently; those dark eyes making my heart skip a beat.
"I have no problem. Shit. Even if you hurt me over and over again, you're still the same. You're just so annoying!" he said and then slammed his head on his hand. "Alys, I know I told you I wouldn't leave you but... that's enough. Please. Just a little... fuck, Alys, just a little bit and I'll be kneeling in front of you, just come back to me."
I was staring at him. I didn't know what to do.
"Tripp, that's it..."
"Alys, don't you know how much I love you? You don't know? Here, listen. I love you so much even though I know you love Drake more. Even though I'm just a best friend, I'm still here, right? Even though you're crying and I'm acting like a fool who's becoming your human handkerchief, it's okay. Did you hear any complaints? No. But now, sorry, Alys. I'm not perfect. I'm hurt. You've already hurt me.
"Five years. I've loved you for five years, Alys. It's been a long time, hasn't it? But it all seems like a moment because the times I've been with you, they really are just a moment. It's all hidden, all borrowed. But even then, I don't regret it. The time we had together, I'm so happy even though I know it will all end.
"Alys, I love you but I'm not stupid. I know that Drake is the only one. I could have married you right away, I knew you would agree but I didn't. It seems like I'm stupid if that's the case, right? I want you to marry me, the one who's really me.
"I've been used to Drake being my partner my whole life. I'm used to it but when it comes to you, I don't want to. Sorry if I was so jealous before... It's just that you don't know how much I love you. I just thought that I wasn't the only one in your heart, it hurts. But it's okay. It's just that.
"Do you know how scared I was when you came back to the Philippines? You don't know, right? Don't find out... Maybe you'll feel sorry for me.
"But now, Alys? Just cry, cry! If I could, I would run away from Drake but I can't because I know you don't love me like Drake. I love you, right? What am I? Best friend. Shoulder to cry on. A wonderful role in life.
"So now, Alys, please I'm leaving. That's enough. I'm just going to puke a little bit. It hurts so much. This isn't good anymore.
I looked at him. I didn't know how to respond. It hurts. The pain hurts.
"Tripp-" I said as I was trying to hold his face.
He avoided me. "That's enough, Alys. Just give me closure. I really want to Move on. It's so frustrating to be hurt over and over again. "This isn't fun."
"Why are you here?" I asked him again.
There was a distance between us. I didn't know how to approach. He asked me to let him go. It hurt, it hurt.
He didn't know how much what he said to me hurt. I was crying so hard that even breathing was difficult.
How much does it hurt to have your best friend begging you to leave him? It hurt so much. It still hurt after my breakup with Drake. I don't know how to describe it. Every drop of her tears, every time she said, 'Alys, leave me alone. It hurt so much. He almost stabbed me.
He stood up and came closer to me.
"Can we talk?" he said.
"Did I think you were going to leave me?"
He sighed. "Alys..."
I raised my hand when he tried to approach me. That's enough, please. I'm trying to let go. But it's a process. I hope he cooperates. It's hard let go if the person you want to leave is right there in front of you.
"Tripp, you want to leave me. I'll cooperate."
He was looking at me. Just looking at me.
"Alys, this is the last time. I'll leave after this..." he said.
I was tempted to cry. Will he leave? Why does it hurt? Yes, I know I'll leave him but I'll leave? Isn't that too much?
He's my best friend... even though this is happening, Tripp is my best friend... Can you leave me less and less?
"W-where are you going?"
He smiled. "Just. The one far away. The one without Alys. I want a new life. The one who will love me. The one to the moon and back too."
I couldn't help it, I started crying.
"Sorry... Tripp, I'm so sorry..."
Move on. It's so frustrating to be hurt over and over again. "This isn't fun."
"Why are you here?" I asked him again.
There was a distance between us. I didn't know how to approach. He asked me to let him go. It hurt, it hurt.
He didn't know how much what he said to me hurt. I was crying so hard that even breathing was difficult.
How much does it hurt to have your best friend begging you to leave him? It hurt so much. It still hurt after my breakup with Drake. I don't know how to describe it. Every drop of her tears, every time she said, 'Alys, leave me alone. It hurt so much. He almost stabbed me.
He stood up and came closer to me.
"Can we talk?" he said.
"Did I think you were going to leave me?"
He sighed. "Alys..."
I raised my hand when he tried to approach me. That's enough, please. I'm trying to let go. But it's a process. I hope he cooperates. It's hard let go if the person you want to leave is right there in front of you.
"Tripp, you want to leave me. I'll cooperate."
He was looking at me. Just looking at me.
"Alys, this is the last time. I'll leave after this..." he said.
I was tempted to cry. Will he leave? Why does it hurt? Yes, I know I'll leave him but I'll leave? Isn't that too much?
He's my best friend... even though this is happening, Tripp is my best friend... Can you leave me less and less?
"W-where are you going?"
He smiled. "Just. The one far away. The one without Alys. I want a new life. The one who will love me. The one to the moon and back too."
I couldn't help it, I started crying.
"Sorry... Tripp, I'm so sorry..."
He bit his lips and smiled. Even though he was in pain, he still managed to smile.
""Don't be sorry, I'm in love with you," he said. He reached for my hand. "Come on, I'll help you with your problem before I'm completely gone."
Gone? It's... fuck the pain. How can you let go of someone who's been there with you through thick and thin? It seems so hard. The concept is confusing.
Before I knew it, we were in his car.
He was explaining to me that Fier was leaving. It was a quarter to 10 and her flight was this afternoon. We had to go see her. Damn it, Cristine! She didn't even say anything.
My hands were trembling but I still managed to send a text to Drake. It was concise and... hurtful enough.
To: Drake Palma
Fier's leaving. Go to her.
Five words but the impact's just too much.
The drive was long and winding. It hurt my heart. My hands felt cold. My heart was beating abnormally. It felt like everything's bound to mess up.
We arrived at Cristine's house and my whole being was just fucking emotional. I was about to break down.
"I can't go in..." I said.
Tripp smiled at me and motioned me to go on.
"Okay, 1 year. You can do that. I'll be gone after this. And please, don't be afraid to cry in front of Drake. He loves you. He'll understand you, whether you cry or laugh."
I hugged him tight. Everything will be okay for him, for me, for us.
I slowly walked inside even though my heart was so heavy.
I met Cristine, she was surprised but I didn't have time to explain to her.
"Fier?" I asked her.
She seemed confused.
"She's upstairs... and she's with Drake. What's happening?"
I took a calming breath. "She's leaving this afternoon, Cristine."
"What?!"
"I'll explain it to you later, okay?" I told her before I went up.
Every step, I was nervous. I had this feeling inside me that this was going to be messy. Every ending's messy but this one was just... it was just too much for me.
I followed the instruction Cristine gave me. They were there and Fier was pacing back and forth, arranging her things. Drake was like a puppy following her.
"Stop following me! I'm leaving, you can either kneel down there or cry."
"Fier... Don't do this to me."
"Your chance is over, Drake. I don't want you anymore. Sure, at some point, I thought maybe I was in love with you. But I didn't. You hurt me. And when someone hurts me, it's over. Game over. Sorry but that's how I roll. I don't want to get hurt, Drake. I'm sensitive. And you pushed me over the edge."
It was nostalgic. It hurts every time I listen to their conversation. But sometimes, I think it's better... They're just the two of them talking. Sometimes I think Drake is making decisions because of me. I want him to make his own decisions... And if he chooses me, I'd be so damn lucky.
"Where are you going? It's too bad. Tell me."
"You have no right, Drake, okay! Don't feel like a responsible father!"
And out of the blue, he pulled her, hugged her and then slowly kneeled in front of her.
My heart ached. Why, Drake?
"Fier... please don't do this..."
I turned and ran outside. I couldn't bear what was going to happen next. My heart would soon explode, I could feel it.
I ran to Tripp.
"Alys!" he said. "What happened?"
I was sobbing so hard. I can't emphasize how hard I was sobbing. I couldn't breathe. My vision was cloudy. My heart was hurting.
"Give me the keys," I said.
"Alys..."
"I SAID GIVE ME THE FUCKING KEYS!"
He handed me the keys and I entered his car. I ignited the engine at once. I was about to leave when Tripp entered, as well.
"I want to be alone."
""Don't drive crying, Alys."
"I SAID I WANT TO BE ALONE! IS IT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!"
I can't be logical. I don't want to. I can't imagine Drake begging Fier. It's too... fuck too painful. I don't want to. I don't want to think about it.
He sighed. "Then drive. I'm just here."
I ignored him and then I drove away. While driving. I was sobbing. It hurt to think, fuck why am I being like this? It hurt. Even though I said it was okay, it was for his son, nothing, it still hurt.
"Alys, just take it easy..." he reminded me.
I didn't listen to him and stepped on the gas even harder. I rolled down the window and the air was blowing nicely against my skin, drying my tears.
And then everything went black.