Early Morning, Fog-Hugged Orchard, Nine Cloud Peak Sect
Jiang Chen had many regrets in life.
Letting someone call his weeding form a "martial technique" was near the top.
Allowing a goose to preside over his cultivation courtyard as an elder? Yeah, that was getting up there.
But nothing—nothing—would haunt him like waking up in the middle of the orchard, shirtless, clutching a legendary hoe that sparkled with enough spiritual radiance to signal passing immortals.
And beside him? A ring of candles, cabbage petals, and a dozen solemn-looking disciples in full meditative trance.
"What in the parsnip-plucking hell is going on here?!"
Feng Ziyun blinked groggily, eyes fluttering open from the lotus position.
"Morning, Master! We're halfway through the Ritual of the Star-Tilled Spirit Soil."
"You're what?!"
He turned to see Shi Yuyan adjusting the tiny cloak on her favorite cabbage sprout and calmly placing spirit stones around it in the shape of a heart.
[DING — Sect morale increased. Disciples believe Jiang Chen enters "spiritual communion" with the soil during sleep.]
[Reputation Title Acquired: "He Who Slumbers, Yet Leads."]
Jiang Chen groaned and face-planted directly into the dirt. He stayed there a full minute.
"Maybe if I lie still enough, they'll think I died and leave me alone."
Shi Yuyan, watching from three steps away, gently knelt beside him. "If you die, I shall follow you."
"Why are you like this?"
"I learned it from your goose."
Jiang Chen screamed internally.
Meanwhile, At The Pavilion of Goose-Based Instruction
The goose—now addressed reverently as "Elder White Honk" by most of the sect—stood atop a boulder, flanked by two stoic senior disciples fanning it with silk feathers.
It wore round glasses.
It had a little bell around its neck that jingled ominously whenever it walked.
More importantly, it had a lecture schedule.
Today's topic?
"The Four Pillars of Dao: Honk, Peck, Waddle, and Flap."
"The third flap of the left wing," one scholar whispered, eyes wide, "contained an ancient metaphor for dual cultivation."
"No way. Elder White Honk would never teach something so impure—"
"But his honk echoed exactly 81 times before ceasing. That's the number of pages in the Forbidden Silk Sutra!"
A junior disciple raised his hand. "So if I follow his waddle, can I unlock spiritual clarity?"
"No. You must become the waddle."
Elsewhere, in the not-so-secret Secret Society of the Verdant Cycle
The leaders gathered under cover of darkness. Lanterns swayed. Robes billowed. One man leaned forward dramatically.
"He has received the Star-Sundering Hoe."
Another stroked his goatee. "He unknowingly performs the Eightfold Tiller Motion."
"Impossible. That form was lost in the Great Compost Wars."
The mirror on the stone pedestal flared with light, showing Jiang Chen sitting on the edge of his pond, mumbling to himself while tossing pebbles.
"...Honestly, I just want to go on vacation. Maybe open a hotpot shop."
The elders gasped.
"He speaks in riddles!"
"A hotpot shop! Could it be a veiled reference to boiling away karmic impurities?"
"He must be protected. Immediately dispatch the Guardian of the Tilling Moon."
Meanwhile, Back With Jiang Chen...
A scroll exploded into being over his pond.
He ducked as it spiraled toward the goose, hit its back, and unfolded in midair, projecting an image of a radiant cultivator with flowing robes and a sword bigger than a horse.
"WEED SAGE JIANG CHEN," the man intoned. "I, Sect Leader Xuan of the North Heaven Sword Pavilion, challenge you to a formal duel for agricultural supremacy."
"…Come again?"
"If your hoe surpasses mine in Dao purity, I shall offer my spirit orchard and title as tribute."
"Wait, what? I'm not even—"
[DING — Duel Accepted Automatically. Because You Were Holding the Legendary Hoe When You Yawned.]
"I didn't even agree to—!"
[NEW QUEST — Defend Your Field: Win the Duel Without Knowing What's Going On.]Reward: An orchard, a title, and probably more misunderstandings.
Shi Yuyan gasped. "He accepts the duel without fear... such bravery…"
Feng Ziyun added, "He doesn't even need to hear the challenge. His spirit responds instinctively."
Jiang Chen screamed again, this time externally.
Duel Site — The Floating Arena of Azure Petals
Later that day, Jiang Chen found himself standing on a sky-floating platform surrounded by petals and spectators.
He held his hoe like a rake at a backyard barbecue.
His opponent? Sect Leader Xuan — a titan of a man with a glowing green saber shaped like a plow.
"Let us exchange farming techniques," Xuan said gravely, spinning his saber in a ritual circle.
Jiang Chen yawned.
Swung once.
His hoe gently tapped the soil.
The earth exploded.
Shockwaves tore across the platform. Spiritual seeds sprouted mid-air and bloomed into giant glowing turnips that launched into the stratosphere.
The arena shook. The sky turned green.
Xuan fell to his knees.
"…I concede."
[DING — You Have Accidentally Won a Duel Using the 'One-Fingered Pluck + Sleepy Swing' Combo.][Reward: Title "Field Sovereign." All hoes now respond emotionally to your touch.]
Jiang Chen stood, dazed, hoe still glowing like divine judgment.
"Can I go home now?"
Xuan bowed. "Please accept my heirloom—The Soil-Stirring Manual."
The goose took it on his behalf.
Later That Night... Mysterious Moonlight, Edge of the Bamboo Grove
Jiang Chen sat alone, finally eating a cold bun while watching the moon.
A breeze passed. Someone stepped behind him.
"Do you really not know?" came Shi Yuyan's voice, soft as silk.
"Know what?" he asked, chewing loudly.
She hesitated. "That every word you speak… changes people."
He blinked. "What, like—motivationally?"
She stepped closer. "No. Literally. You called me a 'budding flower once'—the next morning, I had spiritual flora growing from my shoulders."
"…Oh."
Shi Yuyan sat beside him, close—too close.
He tried scooting left.
She scooted with him.
He leaned away.
She leaned closer.
The goose, from the treetop, honked in support.
[DING — Bond Event Triggered: "Half-Moon, Half-Misunderstanding."][Shi Yuyan Affection +15. She Believes You Are Courting Her Through Agricultural Metaphor.]
[Your life is now 37% more complicated.]
Final Scene — Deep in the Verdant Tombs of the Forgotten Soil Sect
A pair of ancient doors groaned open.
A voice echoed: "The one has risen. He walks with stars in his hoe… and the goose of destiny at his side."
Another murmured, "We must awaken the Twelve Sprout Saints. Lest the legend truly unfold."
The camera pans…
To a massive mural carved in jade.
At the center?
A serene man, hoe in hand.
Cabbage in one arm.
Goose on his shoulder.
Beneath him: the words—
"He Who Sought Peace… But Cultivated Pandemonium."