By the time the golden cabbage float arrived at the outer sect gates, Jiang Chen had already cycled through all five stages of grief. Twice.
Denial: He denied that any respectable sect would parade its disciples through the capital on a leaf-shaped barge.
Anger: He screamed at a cloud that looked too smug.
Bargaining: He tried to bribe a squirrel with a roasted peanut to chew through the float's wheelbase.
Depression: He lay down in a cabbage patch whispering, "This is where I rot. Among my own."
Acceptance?Well... he was currently seated on the float.
Wearing a robe embroidered with his own face.Holding a ceremonial fan that read "Weed with Wisdom, Reap with Dignity" on one side and "Cultivate Calm, Not Chaos" on the other.There were flower petals in his hair.Someone—probably Wuyue—had styled it.
Lin Wuyue sat beside him, glowing with a kind of pride that only made Jiang Chen's eye twitch harder. She wore an elegant pale green gown that matched his robes perfectly. Coordinated outfits. Coordinated embarrassment.
"Try smiling," she whispered, nudging him in the ribs.
"I am smiling," he replied through clenched teeth. "This is my public-relations face."
"You look like you just ate a lemon dipped in betrayal."
He gave her a blank stare. "If I jump off this float and roll into a bush, will anyone stop me?"
"I will," she said cheerfully. "I'll roll after you. Matching robes, remember?"
He groaned. "Let the cabbage consume me."
The float entered the capital to a chorus of cheering, flute-playing, and... was that a man dressed as a carrot?
Jiang Chen wasn't sure anymore.
People lined the main road, tossing petals into the air and waving flags that read:
ALL HAIL THE CABBAGE SAGE!ROOTED IN WISDOM, WE STAND!WE BELIEVE IN THE LEAF!
His soul left his body for a brief second.
Then a group of children ran up, each holding a shiny rectangular card.
Jiang Chen blinked as one particularly energetic child shoved a card into his hand. It sparkled.
Card Title: Cabbage Sage – Mythic Tier• Pose: Glorious Squat Over Sprouting Turnip• Power: Weed Detection 999• Quote: "Let the radish of reason guide you."
"What the hell is this?" Jiang Chen said, horrified.
"Fifth edition," Lin Wuyue said nonchalantly, admiring her own card. "This one's rare. Look, it's foil-stamped!"
He turned her card over, squinting.
Card Title: Lin Wuyue, Beloved Bloom• Pose: Leaning on a hoe, mischievous smirk• Power: Emotional Entanglement +400• Quote: "Where she walks, hearts blossom."
Jiang Chen nearly dropped it. "Entanglement PLUS FOUR HUNDRED?!"
She winked. "I'm getting a popularity buff."
"I'm getting an aneurysm."
Then, as if to salt the wound, a massive crowd erupted into cheer:
"THE CABBAGE SAGE HAS ARRIVED!"
A towering banner unfurled across the capital gate, showcasing Jiang Chen's face—airbrushed to absurd perfection. His hair flowed like he'd just emerged from an ethereal shampoo ad. Someone had added sparkles to his eyes.
"I'm going to start charging for emotional damages," he muttered.
Lin Wuyue leaned in close. "You should smile. You're trending."
They were escorted straight to the Royal Spirit Garden, where a full honor guard awaited. Trumpets blared. Flower petals rained down. Jiang Chen stepped onto the marble dais in a daze, unsure whether he was attending an award ceremony or the coronation of the King of Crops.
Then she appeared.
The Empress.
Young—surprisingly young—with sharp eyes that scanned him like she was already two moves ahead in a game he didn't want to play. Her lips twitched with amusement as she stepped down from the throne-like stairs and stopped directly in front of him.
"So," she said, voice light as silk, "you are the one who brought peace through tilling."
Jiang Chen bowed stiffly. "It was a misunderstanding."
"We like misunderstandings in this court," she replied. "They make excellent drama."
Lin Wuyue popped up beside him like an eager assistant. "Your Majesty, Senior Jiang also brought imperial-grade turnip jam."
"I did NOT—"
"Excellent!" the Empress said, clapping. "We shall have it served with tea."
A servant sprinted off before Jiang Chen could clarify his total lack of jam.
"You are fascinating," the Empress continued. "Which is why I have created a new position just for you."
His stomach dropped. "Please don't."
"You shall henceforth serve as the Empire's Envoy of Agricultural Enlightenment."
Lin Wuyue clapped. "You get a sash!"
"I want nothing. I want obscurity. I want to be a nameless weed in the background!"
The Empress smiled slyly. "Too late. You are already blooming."
Later, as they sat in the garden, Jiang Chen leaned over to Wuyue, voice low and deadly serious.
"If I asked you to marry me, would this all stop?"
Her eyes widened, then slowly narrowed into a grin. "So your plan is... marry me to escape your own fame?"
"I'm desperate, not romantic."
"Good," she whispered back, leaning in close, "because I'm romantic and dangerous."
There was a pause.
Then her hand slipped into his beneath the table.
"Besides," she said softly, "I was hoping you'd propose after the tea party. But now I know: you're just afraid of falling for me."
"I'm afraid of you turning me into a cabbage-flavored emperor," he hissed.
She laughed. "Too late. You're already trending as '#CabbageKing' on the scroll network."
He groaned.
She squeezed his hand.
And just like that... he didn't pull away.
Author's Note:Romance: blooming. Capital: cabbage-flooded. Jiang Chen: mentally withering. But oh no, the chaos doesn't stop here. The Empress has questions. The nobility wants interviews. And there's a mysterious assassin who seems… very interested in gardening.