(Alys Prov)
I was there, standing with my mouth hanging open.
Too in love with him?
"W-what?" That was all I managed to say.
Shit, Alys. Pull yourself together.
I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. You're not going to cry, okay? Not even a tear, please, don't. You're a jerk, Drake! I have tortured myself into thinking that if there was any reason you had to leave me then, it was all worth it.
Worth every pain, every tears, every slap on the face whenever I think that I'm one lacking woman to leave me.
...and then this. You gave me a crap of a reason. Gee, thanks!
He wasn't giving away anything. I looked at his face. He's still Drake. That freaking Drake that always drives me insane whenever. I don't know what's on his mind, what he's feeling.
He's like a freaking puzzle that I can't figure out! I've tried everything, I know! One year. We almost lasted for a year and I swear I've been nothing but good to him.
'Alys, that's okay. Drake is really quiet, you know. 'Don't take it too seriously when he doesn't talk to you.'
For years, I've convinced myself that you're just like that, that even though you're so bad on the outside, inside, you care for me. But what? You're a freaking downer! It's a shame! It's a shame that I kept you waiting for a year... I'm sorry but can I curse? Just... it's a shame.
"Is that all?" I stuttered.
He nodded and continued, "You can't handle being in love with me and actually living your life, Alys."
"Ha... ha... ha."
I looked like an idiot, I laughed. You did it again, Drake! For two years, I convinced myself that I wouldn't be shocked anymore in case I found out what it really was. I just thought of a possibility! That maybe it was because of Tripp because you didn't want to fight anymore, or maybe Shaira came back or maybe it was because of Cristine! I can accept it if the reason was because of you because you know, Drake? You're selfish.
"Is that all?"
He looked at me and nodded, once again.
"No complicated shit? No headache-inducing reason? No excuse that makes you doubt? That's it? Just plain 'I can't handle being in love and living a life' crap? That's it?"
He didn't come to me. He kept his distance.
Those eyes... F-uck there he goes again.
"It's not just that, Alys. I broke up because you're like a ticking bomb. Can't you see, you're throwing your life for me." His voice was raising a bit.
Not once. Not once have I seen Drake get angry. He's always calm, always composed, always ahead of me. I can't read him, I can't understand him.
I pursed my lips. "You don't get to decide what's good for me."
"At that time, I could. I was your boyfriend when I decided that I wasn't worth all the shit your pulling," he said, still freaking calm!
"I wasn't pulling shits, damn you! What's this about? It's about my studies again?! I'm not smart, Mr. Genius! Did you think I'd become smart overnight because you left me? No! I dropped out! You know that, Drake? You know what you did to me?" I stopped and took a deep breath.
Here it is again, Alys.
"Your boyfriend... You should have been the one encouraging me to study. I was abroad, I barely knew anyone. Shit I've never felt so alone, just there. Everywhere I turned, I didn't know anyone, I had no one to talk to. I felt so lonely, Drake... it was so hard...
"Do you remember before I left? Do you know how much I was waiting for you to stop me? One, 'Alys, don't go.' That's all I want to hear from you... That's all, Drake. Three words, 10 letters but you still cheated on me... Do you know that, Drake? I was so in love with you to the point that I'll beg my parents not to let me go. Do you know that? Of course not! What do you know about my feelings, right? I'm the only one Alys who insisted on being your girlfriend!"
Shit I can't breathe. All these raw feelings coming out, all my crying isn't enough. It's still not enough.
"Now that I've mentioned it, I feel so cheap," i said and then wiped my face with the back of my hand. "I guess that's how you think of me, right? I'm like a dog... following you around, barking at whatever you say, waiting for your command.
"Is that why you take me for granted, Drake? Because you know that no matter what you do, it's still wrong, that even if you don't do anything, I'll always be here? Huh? Is that right?"
Why am I crying? I don't want to cry! I don't want to! It's been two years since I lost you, eh... I've been sad for two years, that's two years... Now I'm starting to forget, to finally let go of the past, to look forward to my future... but why is there always someone pulling me back? It's like I'm bound to be back to this wrecked relationship!
"I love you."
And then everything froze. Always. Every time he's like this, I lose myself... but I don't want to, please. That's enough...
He took a step forward, just one. "Are you done, Alys?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I'll never be done, Drake. You'll never hear the end of it."
He gave me a small smile and said, "Good, because I don't care whatever you say about me as long as you're talking to me."
He walked towards me and he fished for something from his pocket. He took out his handkerchief and offered it to me. "Stop crying."
I didn't take his offer and instead, I pushed him away. I don't want it. This is too close for freaking comfort.
I walked towards my bed and sat on the edge. "Talk."
"I won't talk if you're going to cry everytime I say things. That's not how it's supposed to be, Alys. You talk, I listen. I talk, you f-ucking cry. How am I supposed to talk, Alys? I hate making you cry, damn it!"
There. Go ahead, Drake. are you angry I'm angry too.
He went in front of me and gave me his handkerchief again.
"Talk," I said again.
"Stop crying."
I looked up and saw his jaw clenched. "You don't get to decide for me now, Drake. I don't want You as my boyfriend anymore."
He nodded. "But I love you just the same as when I was yours. And Alys, I'm still yours, you just refuse to acknowledge. I'm yours, you just hate to admit it."
"Stop," I whispered. "Stop saying you love me, Drake. I love Tripp."
He sat near me but not beside me.
"You want to know what I feel, right? Hear this: I'm still f-ucking in love with you, Alys. Always am, always will."
I clenched my fists and took heavy breaths while bracing myself for what's to come.
"Why didn't I ask for you to stay? Because I don't want you to stay," he said. "You always say how selfish I am, alright. I am selfish if wanting what's best for you is called being selfish. I talked to your parents. I asked them to let you stay, I told them I'll help you. Did you see me that day? Alys, I never begged for anything in my life. Never. Not once. But I was there, almost begging for something I know I can't have. I even asked my Dad, alright. I wanted to follow you around, to be your dog. You're my life and he's my father. Back then was the time he needed me most. Little time was all I'm asking for.
"And then I realized why... you've always devoted your time to me. Am I selfish for wanting you to have a time for yourself?" he turned and looked at me. "I can do the devotion, Alys. I can give you one hundred percent of my time and attention while living my life. But you can't. You can't. Alys."
Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I hastily wiped them with his handkerchief. "I can..." I whispered.
He shook his head. "No, Alys. You just don't know but I always see whatever you're doing. You just don't know it but I'm always watching out for you. Do you know how you screwed with my brain while I was watching you throw away your life just for what? Just to follow me around?"
My hand automatically raised and slapped his left cheek. "F-uck you, Drake! I wasn't following you around, I was loving you!"
A hand mark was on his face. It hurts.
"You don't see it the way I see it, Perez. In my eyes, you're destroying your life."
"You're a destruction, anyway, Drake. You wreck things."
He said, "Not you, Alys. Did I wreck you? No. I set things straight."
"You broke me. That's what you did."
This was the truth. They said that the truth will set you free but why did it happen to me differently? Why do I feel like I'm even more trapped in my past because of what I found out?
He caught my hand and held it real tight. "I want you to love me without the expense of throwing your life. I'll do the loving, the following around, the worshipping, the efforts, everything, Alys."
I closed my eyes and thought of Tripp. "No."
"I'll wait for you, Alys. Just say yes."
He stood up and kissed my forehead.
He started walking but I asked him, "Will you do it again, Drake? Set things straight? Leave me even if seeing you do that breaks me in half?"
He turned to face me and said, "I'll do the worshiping and devoting, Alys. I'll live the double life. I'll love you while you live your life. I'll do all the loving. Say yes."